Wooing a woman
Kaustic's blog got me thinking about love, hate and the efficiency of the everyday nail file (but that's for another time). Now, I shall show all of you the ever illusive question of how to seduce the cute coffee shop waitress or that hot fitness center personal trainer (I get more questions of how to woo a fitness trainer than you think). You can do this in some very simple steps.
1. The approach-Confidence is key; you'll need to show her (or him) that you don't give a crap that your jeans look like a suspicious shade of red or that those red stains on your sleeve look a lot like blood. You'll need to walk straight to her, look her right in the eye and say "falafel" (it works more than you would think). This will throw her into this state of confusion of "Is this guy serious?" and "what the hell's a falafel*?"
2. Conversation-During your perspective dates state of confusion, you'll want to make small talk and make it seem like your fascination of falafel is normal. Make it seem like it's on the menu or maybe even that you'll want to take them out for a lovely falafel filled evening. Now for those you saying "She'll think you're a crazy/psycho killer looking to amputate her left femur" and while these may be true, you can't reveal that until that last crucial step.
3. The Date-If you've made it to step three, then she said yes to a falafel filled evening, in which case you've got a crazy (or curious) one on your hands. The important thing is that a fast food restaurant is not a good idea. Try a nice Indian restaurant where they may know what the crap a falafel is. In this step, more small talk is also key to any successful evening. Talk about yourself while not saying too much (your tendency to stuff your victims counts as "too much" and will result in an awkward first date. I know this based on experience.) This step may only last about half an hour so you may not have to go into too many details. If it helps you out any, this is the easies step, asking them out is the hardest.
4. Moving in for the Kill-This has got to be the most crucial step in all of this, mainly because if you screw it up, you'll never have a successful relationship in the future where you may want to date their friends. I'll explain. You'll end up having to take them home being the one who asked them out (it's only polite) and, depending on how the evening went, will be asked inside. This is your medal of success. She may ask you to come in for a cup of coffee or a mocha latte frapa capa chacino if your date came from the coffee shop (in which case "KA-CHING"). Take her offer, but when she isn't looking, slip a ruffee in her coffee. Now the fun starts.
5. The fun-May I suggest an exacto knife for the delicate procedures. Now you'll want to make sure your date can't feel it. Beheading them works the best (get creative), but moving on. Using the exacto knife, make small slits in your dates torsoic region while avoiding the nipple. When digging deeper into the victim make sure you save the organs (you'll want a trophy won't you) while cutting away any muscle you can. !!!Important: Do not cut into the Gallbladder, they will explode. I've had a few bad experiences with this so be careful!!! When you hit the backbone, you're done. Make sure you clean any trace you can that you ever existed (for prevention, wear a mask and gloves to the date. If she asks, tell her it's for the kids.) from her apartment. And last but not least, put her head (if you chose beheading) in the microwave...for decoration.
Hopefully, things will go smooth for you when asking your dream girl out on a date. I know this steps will work because I've had several of my dream girls on dates and things went perfectly. Godspeed and remember, for the love of God, don't cut into the Gallbladder.
*Don't ask me what a falafel is because I'm still not sure myself.*