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University Professor Predicts Obama Victory
By: Gavin Borenstein - 24 hours ago

Brookings, SD (AP) - The most distinguished presidential prognosticator of all time has finally made his choice, the day after the election. Professor Walt Genius from South Dakota State University endorsed Barack Obama in the wee hours of this morning. When asked why his endorsement came so late, Genius replied, "I never truly make my decision until the late hours on election day. This gives me more time and predictors to make my decision than anyone on earth. Therefore the accuracy of my endorsement is highly probable, if not deterministic."


Walt Genius' vote has been an accurate prediction over 12 presidential elections and nearly 13,000 horse races. The one blemish on his record is the 2000 election, which he predicted to be a "tie", but was in fact decided in favor of George Bush by the Supreme Court. Given the Supreme Court's involvement, he has recently begun predicting elections after all the voting stations have closed.

The professor's decision is based on, as he describes it, "a complex variation of linguistics, non-verbal communication, image reduction, and phylo-angular ergonomics." Professor Genius makes no distinction and, in fact, equates prediction and voting to be the same. "Why would someone vote for somebody who will not win? You might as well live in the land of Soviets.", he remarked. While his vote has been cast by absentee ballot a week ago, it has yet to be actually mailed, and he believes that today's post-date still validates his prediction of who would win despite his telling the press that he made his decision sometime between "now and not now".

The zany methods of Professor Genius have been well documented over a career of misunderstandings on his own behalf. Many of his close colleagues have questioned the validity of his prognostication. One such former assistant, Professor Guillaume de Villejuif, currently of Universidad de Copenhagen auf Switzerland has said, "That man is a charlatan and a ne'er do-well. He borrowed the best 8 years of my life in graduate school, and for that I have no comment. He was and most probably is." De Villejuif went on to describe, "Retro-prognostication is a recently developed technique to prove the validity of the claims of the Bible Code, Nostradamus, and evolutionary theory. Many contemporaries of Moses and Nostradamus felt that these individuals were kooks writing gibberish. In hindsight, with what we now know, we can easily read their informative statements and draw whatever conclusions we desire, thus confirming them as true visionaries. My cohort Walt is consciously trying to achieve this while alive. It's stunning."

However, Mr. Genius chooses not to use his powers of prognostication for financial gain as it is against his religion and the state of Nevada's penal code. Instead, his skills are used as an educational tool. And with the presidential victory of Barack Obama, he seems to have gone 13 for 14 in presidential elections, which he tells me is "just enough for an 'A'" (92.8/100).

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