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Backwards Hat Guy

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Here's an article from the November issue of Evansville, Indiana's local entertainment guide called New4U that I'm sure you will all agree with.

BACKWARDS HAT GUY

Oh, how I loathe you, backwards hat guy. I’m not referring to the dork that occasionally throws his baseball cap on backwards (myself included) for the hell of it, but the people that deliberately tuck their ears inside of their hat and meticulously position it for just the right amount of ‘kick.’ These people usually take on a ghetto persona, and have many hats in their arsenal ranging from classic Yankees or Dodgers caps to obscure, wildly designed and colored caps to match every outfit and velour sweatsuit. The bills on these hats don’t reflect the slightest bend, instead remaining flat and crisp like a fresh Benjamin, hot off the printing press. This is mandatory fashion for the backwards hat. Along with the stiff bill and starched look, the hat must sport the high crown and maintain all reflective stickers adhered to the bill prior to retail sale. These stickers must not be removed! In some cases, removal of hanging price tags is unacceptable as well.

            The hat usually sits just above the eyebrows, off center with a kick to the left or right. This varies due to personal ghetto philosophy and affiliations; every gang banger and poser alike have their own. The backwards hat will often be seen accompanied by what I refer to as the ‘Jon-B beard,’ which is the thin line of facial hair that follows the jaw line and streams into the heavily trimmed and sculpted sideburns. This beard is greatly favored in the hip-hop community and by those looking to exude a certain kind of swagger.

            Along with the beard, urban clothing brands such as Ecko Unltd., G-Unit, South Pole, Sean John and Rocawear to name a few, are worn in the presence of the backward hat. Gaudy jewelry is often integrated into clothing designs along with being utilized as an accessory, because ‘bling’ is a must – you can’t be a hot boy without the ‘bling!’ And no matter what, clothing such as shirts, white tees and coats must be at least 2XL. Jeans must also be oversized, sagging off the buttocks and lacking a belt. Shoes must be clean, shiny, wildly colored and unlaced. An acceptable substitute for ridiculously ugly sneakers are the Timbos (Timberlands), whether in the classic color (construction boot) or crazy colors like purple, green and so forth. These boots must remain unlaced as well.

            A backwards hat guy must exhibit “thug behaviors,” which consists of total disregard for established laws, rules, socially acceptable behaviors/manners and other common-folk individuals. Proper English and sentence structure is abandoned when speaking, overtaken by slang, obscenities and incessant phrases such as “know what I’m sayin’?” Mean-mugging is a common activity that backwards hat guys will partake in, as smiling is not something a proper thug does.

            The other associations with backwards hat guys are many: pit-bulls, reefer, whips with big, shiny rims or dubs, grills, abundant tattoos, rap-career aspirations, wanting to play in the NBA, video game addictions, money, patron, hollering at “shorties,” scrapes with the law, and so on – just the basic moronic symbols and attitudes the backwards hat guys hold close and deem important, know what I’m sayin’?

            I’m going to be honest, I cannot stomach these people. If I could, I’d spray every backwards hat guy I encountered in the face with bear mace. Then I’d tell him to tie his shoes and get a damn belt because no one wants to see his nasty crack. Try a shirt that fits, stop mean-mugging and read a book. Educate yourself, hold down a job and do something positive for society, because right now you are killing it. You, backwards hat guy, are a malicious disease that is spreading and crippling society. I’d rather be savagely ripped apart a million times over by a lumbering, ferocious Tyrannosaurus Rex that hasn’t eaten in three months than share the planet for a lifetime with you, backwards hat guy. You suck. Now take that stupid sticker off your bill, untuck your ears and turn your hat around like it should be worn. And for God sakes, bend the freaking bill!

imadeyouaghost Uploaded 11/24/2008
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