I've been a pretty big fan of sushi for most of my life. I can't help but love the taste and smell of raw fish. I've also been a pretty big fan of sex for most of my life. I can't help but love the taste and smell of raw fish.
This is why when I'm not having sex (which is quite often), I'm looking at porn. Porn of all kinds. Asians, Blacks, Latinas, MILFs, Groups, Hardcore, Softcore..... the list goes on. Some of it standard, and some of it freaky. But one of the weirdest genres of porn has to be anime porn. I just don't understand it. What is so great about seeing badly drawn cartoons getting railed from behind? Or.... or.... seeing those really hot Disney characters, like Jessica Rabbit or Princess Jasmine, having sex with each other?
I mean....... seeing those really hot badly drawn Disney characters engaging in hot lesbian action. What could possibly make ANYBODY look at something like that?
Our story begins on Christmas day in San Francisco. I was visiting my older brother and resisting the seductive glances of other men, when my parents had a wonderful idea. We would visit the hot new sushi restaurant in town!
In all seriousness this place was, as Peter Griffin would say, freakin' sweet. Club music was thumping in the background, hot little Asian waitresses took drink orders, and.... what's this? Anime cells on the walls, and Akira on a big screen TV on the rear wall? Nothing says good eating like techno music and cartoon gore flying around on ginormous TV screens.
Of course, my parents didn't notice the obscenely violent movie, so we all sat down as one big happy family and enjoyed our sushi. Sure enough, during the middle of our meal, some woman complained about the violence in Akira. Something about how she didn't want to see some chick's t-shirt get ripped off and then get punched in the face by a bunch of bikers. Go figure. Some people just get way out of line.
Either way, the manager wasn't pleased, so he grabbed the nearest VHS he could find and popped it in. All of a sudden, I saw breasts. Gigantor cartoon breasts. As it began to pan out, my little brother, myself, and my older brother all watched in horror as a cartoon schoolgirl got pounded from behind by not one, not two, not three or four.....
But EIGHT TENTACLES.
"No! Not there!" The subtitles cried. "Oh God, it hurts! Oh! Oh! Oh! Ah!" The girl moaned.
My mother began to gag. My father stood and ran over to the blubbering manager. My two brothers were cracking the fuck up. And I..... I got a boner.
Of all the things for me to watch and get turned on by, I never would have guessed anime monster porn. Much to my dismay, the TV was shut off and there would be no more anime for the night. We had our food wrapped, and paid the bill.
"Matty, are you coming? Our cab is waiting outside." I heard my mom say.
"What? Oh, I'm.... ah.... looking for something. Gimmie a minute."
"What're you looking for!? We have to go!"
I shifted, adjusted, and stood. As a warning to all of you men out there, if there is any chance you'll be popping a big one on any given night, don't wear khakis. I ignored the snickering as I walked past and knocked over people's drinks. I ignored my mother's horrified face. And most of all, I ignored the smirking waitress handing me a copy of the latest monster porn on DVD.
Who the hell does she think she is?
No way was it worth $19.99