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The first fieldguide to flatulr

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Section 1 Magnitude

 

Farts are measured using Linton's Flatulence Scale or LFS. This scale ranges from a 1 which is little to no odor to a 10 which can result in loss of any house plants or animals, hair loss, blindness, instant nausea and vomiting and mild to severe skin rashes.

 

Atomic –A fart that is silent and stealthy but extremely deadly. It usually ranges from a 6 or above on the LFS. Usually by the time it is detected it is too late and the damage is done. Effects of this kind of fart are paint and varnish damage, artwork defacement including stone sculpture and lawn damage. Damage to the body can be but not limited to hair loss and blindness. It is usually caused by the consumption of spicy Mexican food.

Nuclear -A fart that is usually accompanied by some amount of fallout. It can take the form and effect of the Atomic fart but is usually caused by the consumption of Broccoli. It usually ranges on the LFS from a 4 to 7.

Flamer –Although this fart is not technically on fire, the person experiencing it often thinks that it is It is caused by the excessive consumption of peppers and hot sauces and has been known to rocket the victim right out of the bathroom, out of the house on a few rare occasions. Those who experience flamers have reported later that even the softest toilet paper feels like 30 grit sandpaper afterward. The flamer is the most versatile on the LFS due to the fact that it can damage the person producing it as well as bystanders nearby and can range from 1 to 10 in the LFS

Gigantafart -This type of fart is so voluminous that after the release the clothing of the individual will in fact be much looser. This kind of fart usually will not range above a 3 on the LFS and is usually attributed to the over consumption of eggs and cheese.

The last category is purely theoretical and has never been witnessed by anyone who lived to tell about it, the dreaded Giganta Flaming Atomic Nuclear Fart. If this horrid event ever occurred, not only would it kill any living creature within a 10 foot radius, the building that it occurred in would have to be torn down and burned and any underground water systems would have to be extensively studied for the presence of contaminates.

Section 2 Noise

The noise that farts cause can be measured using a Fart Decibel System (FDS) that like the LFS falls within a range of 1 to 10. The rating of 1 would be given to a fart that results in a sound of a pin drop or less and the designation of 10 would be equivalent to a semi truck air horn. The following categories refer strictly to the amount of noise produced by any particular fart and does not relate to its magnitude.

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The Nervous Fart is only executable intentionally by farting masters, as it is normally a reaction to an unpleasant situation rather than something you can practice. You may have heard one of these at a kindergarten concert or during a company meeting where layoffs were mentioned. One of the characteristics of this fart is the high pitch at the end caused by the clamping of butt cheeks once it is heard by the nervous culprit. Usually falls within a range of 3 and 5 on the FDS.

The Cough-Fart Combo is a premeditated activity undertaken by one trying to mask his activities. This technique is often used in the presence of women; especially those who don’t understand that farts are funny. Warning: The Cough-Fart Combo can be a double edged sword, especially when your timing is a bit off, or the fart lasts longer than expected and usually falls below an 8 on the FDS.

The Wet One (aka The Sticky One) will score you huge points with the lads. Mostly because they’re hoping you just shit yourself. The wet one is often followed by an inspection of one’s underpants for soilage. The Wet One / Sticky One is funny for all but the perpetrator, and usually always results in the need for some clean up. This has the highest FDS range due to the fact that additional noise may come from the perpetrator and those around him.

The Power Fart is very standard and dry in nature but is, as mentioned earlier, pushed out with a bit more confidence. It is usually quite well respected if it is heard by unsuspecting passers by or blown in a church or quiet place. It is especially effective when used to punctuate the last word of a boring speaker’s lecture. This fart can range all the way up to 10 on the FDS.

The Soprano is difficult to describe. It is quite high pitched in nature, and often times is associated with a tingling vibratory feeling in the crotch area. It can be used to significantly lengthen a ripper or standard fart if you are going for duration. Usually falls below 5 on the FDS, however

My personal favorite: The Ripper. It is strong, intense and gives you a good deal of confidence that all have enjoyed or at least experienced it. It is not only loud, and with variable tones, but carries with it the higher chance within the Atomic category in magnitude. This one is ideally suited for a car journey, especially with child-lock electric windows.

And there you have The First Field Guide to Ferocious Flatulence. If anyone has any ideas that need to be added to this guide please fell free to leave a comment below for consideration in a possible second edition.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

blinton Uploaded 05/10/2008
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