"My wife and I found the secret to a peaceful marriage several years ago - separate bedrooms. I sleep in the east bedroom and she sleeps in a different part of town."
Mike Nichols

"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
Sacha Guitry

"After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together."
Hemant Joshi

"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
Socrates

"Woman inspires us to great things and prevents us from achieving them."
Alexandre Dumas

"The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?'"
Sigmund Freud

"I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me."
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

"Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1) Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
2) Whenever you're right, shut up."
Ogden Nash

"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once."
Anonymous

"You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to."
Henny Youngman

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
Rodney Dangerfield

"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."
Milton Berle

"Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy."
Anonymous