Dear Professor Genius,
I have spent 80,000 dollars on my daughter to be at Columbia. After two years there, she tells me she wants to leave and become an actress! Is there any way I can dissuade her? - Pissed off in Pittsburgh

Dear POIP, First of all, you should be ashamed of yourself for sending your daughter off to Columbia. I don't know why you thought it was so important, but nothing is important enough to sell your daughter off to a life of a drug mule. It is a long hard painful existence, and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. It's the syphilis of career choices. Personally, I think that you should be very pleased about your daughter's new choice of career. Admittedly, acting doesn't have the fringe benefits or cache of drug mulery, but there are several notable actors whose careers started out as a drug mule. No one can forget the imitable Maria Alonso Aguilar (of “¿Dónde están las cucarachas?” fame), Juan Fernando Herrán, Catalina Sandino Moreno, and, of course, Tobey Maguire. I think the training you receive as a drug mule prepares you for a life of lying, braggadocio, and heroin swallowing required to become an actor. Nevertheless, I say that if she wants to be an actress, you should let her, regardless of how much money it may cost you to your distributors, or how badly the local dons may break your fingers. After all, you can’t measure your child’s love in kilos (unless you’re Dutch, but that’s another story). Hope that helps,

Love, Professor Genius.