Letter to Always maxi pads
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
> I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and
> I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or
> Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa
> dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in
> tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
> Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how
> crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and
> secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
> Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you
> haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I
> can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a
> few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into
> what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'
> Isn't the human body amazing?
> As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
> quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's
> monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
> bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
> swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's
> a tough time for most women.
> The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
> crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the
> reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so
> painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened
> an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these
> words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
> Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
> middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
> happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
> above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
> you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy'
> about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and
> lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local
> Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life
> in a blaze of glory.
> For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a
> moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
> something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
> 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong',
> Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately,
> there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my
> maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
> Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending
> bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
> Always (insert name of woman)