Dear PG,
How does one tactfully suggest to a friend that he f*cking stop texting all the time? Seriously, it's redonkulous—he might as well be playing Gameboy when we hang out. Do I sound uptight? - Cranky Girlfriend

Dear CG,
I honestly have absolutely no idea what "redonkulous" means, but I presume it is something similar to a homunculus. I used to have an impassioned hatred for individuals who text all the time, but when I met Johannes Gutenberg (younger brother of Steve Gutenberg, and inventor of the printing press) at 1974 Pulp and Paper Industry Conference, he really opened my mind towards texting. True it is a tedious process, and it can sometimes be antisocial (unless you are having a woodcut printing party), but communication is an important part of any relationship. As long as he is willing to communicate, be it by texting, writing, telegraph, phonograph, or sonograph (well maybe not sonograph, that is a bit rude), I think you should embrace him, and forgive him. If all else fails, while he is texting, you can play with his "gameboy" (by gameboy I presume you were referring to his pudendal area). Hope that helps.

Love, Professor Genius