Before you say that i hate golf because i suck at it or that golf is this great fuckin sport ill never understand or anything stupid like that im going to say this, Golf is probably the toughest sport ive ever played. I can play most sports pretty decent but golf is another story. Although it is an old man and a fag sport it is hard. With that said, here are my two golfing experiences.
The first time i went real golfing i was 10 years old. I went with my dad who goes about once a month but still sucks and my aunt who plays like once a week and is pretty good. Then for some dumbass reason they decided to bring me, a 10 year old who thought you only needed one golf club to play, a putter. So after my dad and my aunt explained you need about 60 different clubs to play golf, we go and play. So the first 5 holes are intensly tourterous. I mean i must have averaged about 20 a hole and it must have been over 100 degrees outside. I wanted to fuckin hit my dad and my aunt in the head with the golf clubs so they would stop playing. So then comes the 6th hole. The hole that would make me hate golf for the next 8 years. On this hole you have to hit the ball over a 50 foot river thing. So my aunt goes and she gets her ball over. Then its my turn. My dad tells me to throw the ball over. I guess he was running out of balls cause he fuckin sucks and didnt want me to lose any. Im like nope im going to hit it. So of course i hit the ball right into the ground and it rolls into the river. My dad smacks me in the back of the head much harder then most parents should causing my brain to smack against my skull. So now i just want this fucking golf experience to fucking end. The thought of killing my aunt and dad are becoming serious thoughts now. Then my dumbass dad goes to hit the ball. And the fucking idiot hits the ball into the river. I almost fucking died. I honestly hit the floor laughing. I was laughing so hard that i almost drowned on the tears coming from my eyes. Im just making fun of him now. "Maybe you should have thrown it over dad" "Dont hit the ball dad, Throw it over" I mean the only thing that could have made me laugh harder would have been if my aunt smacked him in the back of the head. So of course he starts yelling at me and after the next 3 awkward holes my first time golfing was over. Thank God. Little did i know id make the same mistake 8 years later.
So im in Maryland with my dad, my cousins, and my grandparents. Usually my dad my grandpa and my cousin go golfing when we go to Maryland. Unfortunately my dad would get kind of sick and could not go. So for the past 7 years they would never ask me to come play with them, probably because my dad told them not to ask me because of the last family golf outing. So after 7 years of not asking, on the 8th year i get the question. Now as much as i wanted to say fuck that, i figured if i some how played half decent i could make my dad look like an ass for never asking me all these years. So as much as i wanted to say Fuck that, i decide to say Yea. So they wake me up nice and early in the morning and we get ready and go play. Im still half asleep by the time we get there and im one of those people who if theyre tired, they cant even make a sandwich. So my cousin and my grandpa are pretty good golfers. Now my cousin is pretty cool but he went from pretty cool when hes not golfing to the fucking faggiest bitch person i have ever met. My grandpa just plays golf and doesnt say a word. So before the first hole my cousin decides to give me some pointers and teach me some shit. Im still half asleep so none of what hes telling me processes. After they hit the ball perfect its my turn. Now i didnt think this was funny but i guess when you play golf this is hilarious. I go to get set and i twirl the bat like i would with a baseball bat since ive played baseball for 15 years. They both start laughing at me and probably told everyone they saw for the next week about that. So i go to hit the ball and of course, i miss. Then comes Mr. Fucking Golf Expert to give me some pointers. He shows me all the shit he probably showed me already and i go for swing number 2. I hit a magical shot. I mean i dont think anyone in the world could have hit a ball farther without it leaving the ground. So its me and my grandpa in a cart and my cousin in the other. My grandpa talks to me about everything other then golf while we hear my dumbass cousin alongside of us saying, "Youll get it down, its in your blood," and a whole bunch of shit proving how much ill love golf one day. So then were golfing and it takes me til the 4th hole to realize that my fuckin cousin is doing shit to his ball before he goes. And i ask my grandpa what hes doing and he goes, "Hes cleaning his ball, why he cleans the ball i dont no, but he does" So i ask him, "What the fuck are you doing?Your going to hit the ball onto the grass, what are you going to fuckin lay out saren wrap so it doesnt get dirty?" He just looks at me and goes "Hey, you have a 46 after 3 holes and your telling me what to do?" I was like are you honestly keeping my score? When he said i had a 46 i was actually a little happy, i thought i hit the hundreds already. So then after my grandpa and my cousin start to let me just hit the ball and stop fucking trying to help me. My grandpa knew i sucked and my cousin actually started to realize i was hopeless. He did still keep my score though. So im driving in the cart with my grandpa after the 6th hole and we have to make a u turn and get onto a bridge to go to the next hole. Were halfway over the bridge when we hear a loud ass bang. My cousin after making his u turn crashes into the bridge and takes down a part of side of the bridge. Im laughing my ass off but you can tell my grandpa wants to rip his fuckin head off. My grandpa goes "Get out of that car and get in here, Tommy take his cart" Now my cousin is 26 years and im 18 so he feels like a real ass. So as a walk by him i go, "Since you helped me with golf, maybe when were done ill teach you how to drive a golf cart" Now that really made him fuckin mad. He kept on bitchin and shit and his entire game after that was shot. I mean i was using two clubs, a driver and a putter and i was doing almost as good as him. Then came the 8th hole and i swear i can not make this shit up. This is basically the only reason i decided at 12 at night to post of blog entry about fuckin golf. The 8th hole comes and there is A RIVER. My grandpa shoots and gets it over. Then shoots my cousin. His game has been so off that i go, "Maybe you should just throw it over, Mike" Hes gets mad and goes to hit the ball. INTO THE RIVER IT GOES! My grandpa and i almost die of laughter. My cousin is so furious he smashes his club into the ground. Then its my turn and my cousin goes "Lets see this hotshot" So i put the ball down, look at the shot and get set to hit it and then i stop. I pick up the ball and throw it over. I go "Id hate to do what you just did" MY grandpa starts cracking up again and goes to my cousin "Why couldnt you just do that?" MY cousin gets so mad he takes my clubs out of the golf cart i was now driving, throws them to the ground, and leaves. Me and my grandpa are laughing so hard we just decide that were done golfing for today. As we drive home in complete silence and we pull up to the driveway, My grandpa takes me and my cousin and goes "When they ask how was golf, It was fun. I won. Tommy did ok. Mike lost by one. I dont feel like listening to you idiots all night."
So golf to me fucking sucks. There is nothing i hate more then golf. I will hopefully never go golfing for the rest of my life.