Greek Mythology 101 With Professor Maiorano - Part 1
Alright, class. Sit down and shut the fuck up. You little bastards better listen up, because I've got a hemorrhoid on my ass the size of a walnut and if I catch you passing notes or shit like that, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your pelvis.
I shit you not.
Meeko! What the fuck did I just say, you quivering labia!? I swear to God, I'll move you next to gonePOSTAL. God, my ass is killing me.
Anyways, a long fucking time ago, like in 1978 or something, there was a badass motherfucker named Zeus. In fact, this dude was so badass that he suddenly decided, "Hey, I'm gonna call dibs on the sky and earth, and I'm gonna fuck all the time" and he didn't stop kicking ass until that's exactly what happened. Most of the time, he's pimping it out on top of Mount Olympus where he sees everything you're doing. Kinda like a kickass version of Santa Claus, except he laughs and points at you while you're jerking off to fat chicks.
His hobbies included driving around on his tricked-out storm-clouds and hurling burning thunderbolts everywhere, just to watch shit burn. I mean, let's face it. This dude was a fucking gangster. Instead of doing a simple drive-by shooting, he'd just blow up a village of Indians or something. Let's also not forget the fact that this dude could benchpress a cool two-hundred.... million pounds, or something ridiculous like that. You know those earthquakes out in LA? You get those every time he bones the Olsen Twins.
On top of that, Zeus has two brothers who are almost as badass as he is. One of them calls himself Poseidon, and he always gets his ass kicked by Zeus for having such a stupid name. But just because he's the piglet between the three brothers, it doesn't mean he can't ruin your shit. That dude can cast a level 5 Water spell, and there's nothing you can do about it.
Plus, his wife is hot.
The other dude is Hades. He's the oldest brother, and he's a skinny goth pussy. When him and his bros were throwing dice for who got to rule over shit, Hades lost and just laid down like the worthless fuck that he is, and decided to go cry about it in the underworld. "Oh woe is me, boo hoo, I'm such a fucking pussy, nobody understands what being a goth is all about, I'm gonna go rule the underworld." This dude was such an original bastard, that he decided to name the underworld after himself. Good thinking, champ. Dammit, I hate goths.
A whole bunch of other gods lived on Olympus, too. There's Aphrodite, who is one FINE piece of pussy. She says she's the queen of love and beauty, or some bullshit like that. That's just some excuse for her to fuck all the time. Then there's Athena, who kicks almost as much ass as Zeus does, except she's damn ugly. There's Hera, the token bitch that Zeus is married to. Also referred to as the power-hungry cum-guzzling queen. There's also Ares, who just goes around ruining people's shit. Then there's Hermes. He's one of those gods where he's called a 'god', but he's just a useless son of a bitch who can't get laid. That, and he delivers mail. Now comes Hephaestus. He's the lucky bastard who got to marry Aphrodite, simply because he's an ugly fucker who makes sweet bling and because he works late.
I smell a sitcom.
Alright, class. Time's up. Make sure you drag your sorry asses back here for next class. I'm gonna tell you all about how Zeus beat the shit out of everybody.