heh...its funny. if I had enough activity to raise my endorphins right now id be enjoying myself instead of being pierced with the bitter monotony of everything. to quote you know what for the millionth time everything is a copy of a copy of a copy. there's no enjoyment to be had, it's just a matter of what way this machine runs. change the chemical levels and i can have fun, lower them and I'm aware of how meaningless it is. im the pilot of a miserable bio machine and so is everyone else. even my mind is just a series of peices i can rearange at will. combining the two elements i can be anywhere in the range from a god to entirely pathetic. nothing is beyond my reach, but nothing is possible just the same. just a game of chance where the peices of your bio machine and the
 pieces of your mind are rolled arounf the roulette table. there's nothing that can be done to make it land where you want. we're just swirling around in a vat of singular energy. no one has the power to decide anything, we're just along for the ride. it's reality's cruel little joke. and it's funny. it's very very funny.

Of course I'm just being melodramatic. transcending this mess isn't hard. I can look at these chemical reactions objectively and say that isn't me. there is peace within me somewhere, but today I have been touched by the futility of things. I have been made to look at my thoughts and actions on a large enough scale and realized how useless my efforts in every direction really are. My quest for enlightenment is just a struggle against my own linear thoughts because of my damn western education, and too often I'm brought down by so called reality.

But this reality feels to me just like an illusion. this cannot be what is, it is only what I convince myself is manifest in my world. deep inside my world is empty and peaceful, nothing like the sway of chemicals and reactions to stimuli out here. my mind must be tricking me into thinking this nonsense might exist. I should be ashamed in myself for how much I let the frequent stimuli mess with my feelings of peace. I know emotion is just a dualistic mess. my pain will turn to pleasure wehns ome other stimulis comes along. My joy will turnto futility when time passes. I thought I was better then that.

Why do we let ourselves be taken in by the physical world? Why do we give in to the futility of this world and it's actions? we all know it's doomed. This pile of misguided humans is just a flying machine that can't touch the laws of aerodynamics. just a peddle bike with flapping wings. i'm seated somewhere in the back, reluctantly peddaling with everyone else as I watch the ground rush up at us. I tried to preapre to jump off and survive the fall at one time, now I'm just tired.

A feeling of futility batters me more frequently each day. Feelings of peace are become fewer and further between. I feel like the weight of the physical world is closing in and crushing me into a complacent slave.

Just had to vent alittle...