ACTIVITY / CALORIES BURNED

REMOVING CLOTHES..

With partners' consent 12
Without partners' consent 187

UNHOOKING BRA..

Using two calm hands 7
Using one trembling hand 96

GETTING INTO BED..

Lifting partner 15
Dragging partner along floor 16
Using skateboard 3

ACHIEVING ERECTION..

For a normal healthy man 2.5
For a normal healthy woman 549
Losing erection 0.5
Searching for it 115

PUTTING ON RUBBER..

With erection 1.5
Without erection 300

INSERTING DIAPHRAGM..

If the woman who does it is:
Experienced 6
Inexperienced 72

If a man does it, regardless of experience 680
(add 5 calories for retrieving it from across the room!)
With womans consent 50
Without womans consent 300

INSERTION..

If woman is ready 0.5
If man is not 274

ORGASM..

Real 27
Faked 160

POSSIBLE SIDE-EFFECTS..

Bouncing 7
Sliding around 9
Serious skidding 12
Whiplash 27

ORGASM INTENSITY SCALE..

Shoes flew off 35
Expression didn't change 0.5
Orchestra played 6
Birds sang:
Large birds 7
Small birds 3
Earth moved 30
Contact lenses bounced off ceiling 50

PULLING OUT..

After orgasm 0.5
Just before orgasm 500

PENIS ENVY..

For woman 3
For man 72

AGGRAVATION FACTORS..

Partner keeps showing you his/her plants 5
Partner insists on cuddling dog/cat 14
Partner is taking phone calls 7
Partner is making phone calls 40

GETTING CAUGHT..

By partners' spouse 60
By your spouse 60.5
Trying to explain 165
Trying to remain calm 100
Leaping out of bed 25
Getting dressed in one large motion 300
Thanking partner quickly 2

POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY..

Italian..man on top, woman in kitchen 26
Russian..woman on bottom, man getting permission 55
English..side by side with lights off 10
Scots..woman on top, man on whisky 69
American..both on top 60

POSITIONS ACCORDING TO PREFERENCE..

Missionary 45
Soixante neuf 69
Doggie fashion 120
Doggie fashion (with barking and yelping) 150