My first year of college was when I first experimented with alcohol. I went into college a "straight edge" and was completely against drinking. From a logical standpoint, it made no sense to me. But when I became intoxicated for my first time, and kissed a girl who accepted my drunkeness, I was hooked.

I quickly became an alcoholic. I would be drunk every single night, or even day, for that matter, sometimes starting as early as 9 am. For 2 weeks straight I was drunk. After a while my friends would no longer hang out with me, and I had to try harder and harder just to get someone to buy for me. I was a horny drunk, and was rarely turned down.

The alcohol affected more than my sexdrive. It affected everything in my life. At first, it made my guitar-playing much better. As a solo acoustic one man band, any improvement at all was welcomed with open arms. As I'm sure that Bluenot or Ell can tell you, playing by yourself without a band is no easy task. But after a while I would try to perform when I was too drunk. I stopped getting offers for shows.

No, I wasn't drinking beer, but hard liquor all around. As much as I could.

And then It happened. She said no, but I knew she really wanted it. She was an R.A., and a close friend. I tried everything I could to get her. I kissed her neck, felt her body up and down. She said no. Finally I left before any real damage was done. Someone probably came in the room and I was embarassed.

I'm so happy that they stopped me. If not, I know what I would have done. I would have done the most goddamn despicable thing a man can do. I would have raped the girl.

Christ, I know what I would have done if that had happened. I would have killed myself. Not like some attention whore emo, but like a man who knows he no longer deserves to live. I would have bought a gun, and destroyed myself, with the sincerest apology to the girl. Even typing it now feels awful.

My best friend told me the day after that I needed to stop drinking. But I couldn't. I was sober for almost two months when I got wasted, passed out, and woke up with a girl performing felatio on me. I got an incredible sense of guilt and just walked away. It's been six months.

Do I miss it? Yes. I miss losing all the confidence issues I have, being able to get any girl I want, and being the life of the party. But most of all, I miss the friendship I lost with the girl. She could have easily had me thrown from the University. She did not. I don't think I can ever thank her enough for that. I guess I won't have to, since I flunked out anyway.

The worst part is the awkward conversations between us. I don't think she'll ever know what I would have done to her.

Tears fill my eyes as I write this. I'm so sorry, Julie.