Hoblems weekly horoscopes by Hoblem.
ARIES- You are an asshole all week long. This week you will make all of those around you miserable and you will bump your head. You are too selfish to care much about the holidays. Be carefull with whom you piss off this week because rams have been known to get the shit kicked out of them.
TAURUS- Alot of people will have a "grab the bull by the horns" attitude this week. Meaning you may get your assed grabbed by someone of the same sex.ï¿½ Considering how stubborn you can be you may find yourself with homosexual urges that you may not have felt before. Just be aware of the fact that even though you have an iron will you can still contract std's.
GEMINI- People will be calling you a poser through out this entire week. You may try to express that it is not your fault that you have no genuine personality what-so-ever but no one cares. Just Ignore all of those elitists and go home and masturbate. Try watching a little reality T.V. to find a demeaner more to your suiting to imitate. Wear dark clothing and maybe people wont notice you as much.
CANCER- Though you are known to be articulate and hard working you are doing no one much good this week if you can't lay off the sauce.ï¿½ The weekend is over however you may be still visiting the bar at lunch and after work. That attractive Taurus you met at the bar will not return. They have probably found the gay bar by now. Put the bottle down you don't need that. We need each other.
LEO- Have you noticed the extra attention you have been recieving lately? Well it looks like romance is on the schedual for Leo this week! Single Leos may find their soul mate this week and coupled Leos will have an extra spicy time with their partner this week. If you are lonley still after the end of this week you had better get used to it. Try getting a hair cut or something that will cheer you up. You may allso want to pawn any fire arms you own before the holiday. The frustrations you cannot deal with could easaly become a murderous rampage or murder suicide. Plus you could use the cash.
VIRGO- You may be a little lost in confusion this week more than useual. Useually your dopey charm and obvious observations entertain those like minded dimwits you keep in good company. But people are just getting tired of your bullshit. Come back to earth and maybe try to find a real job. This week you might as well just get fucked up and try to score a bag of dope. Thats the only way anyone will want to hang out with you.
LIBRA- This week you will come to a few conclusions. Your credit cards are maxed out and that cash cow you keep around is starting to catch on to what a fair weather mooch you are. Though you are known to be kind; inside you lurks an evil that is unphathomed. People will begin to notice what a whore you are and despite the good looks they will avoid you. Allso get that blister on your groin checked out. It's not normal. Try not to sleep with everyone this week.
SCORPIO- If you are wondering why everything seems difficult this week and you get back stabbed at every corner just take a deep breath and think to yourself. Carma. Thats right. You should be very carefull because this week can be quite disasterous considering how many people you have fucked over. Useually your fucked up logic makes since to you as you just trample on those around you. Say what you must to justify your heartless actions but you may notice cars are veering twards you if you have to walk. No they are not drunk and yes they are trying to hit you on purpose.
SAGITTARIUS- This week is about the same as any other. Your know it all attitude and do no wrong self perception will luckily and oddly work out as useual. You lucky dog. However if your birthday is this week the party may not turn out as anticipated. Could it be some slutty Libra has been humping your partner? If so dont let it ruin your festive spirits. There are plenty of slutty Libras for you to have sex with. You should understand by now that love is a lie and our symbiotic relationships with one another are based on need. Don't let it get you down. Besides now you have something else to talk about at your party.
CAPRICORN- All this holiday hustle and bustle may have you a little stressed out this week. What you should do is have a nice hot bath and relax. What is all of this hard work for if you don't get to enjoy the rewards? This week go get that expensive bottle of booze you've been eyeballing. If your family and friends get bitchy just tell them to fuck off. You work hard so you can just buy new ones anyway. Avoid people with aids.
AQUARIUS- This week should be alot of fun for you. You will get alot of enjoyment in groups with a large number of people. However the relationship section of this week isn't looking so good. Could it be your partner has caught wind of you and that slutty Libra? Don't worry to much. Just keep denying it because they cannot prove anything without hard core evidence. But you may want to go to the hospital and get that blister checked out. Its not a cold sore.
PISCES-You are useually the friend that has an ear and a shoulder for the ones who need it. But this week you could give a shit less. Ask yourself do any of these people really give a flying fuck about you. If you look hard enough you may realise that they don't. You've been feeling sorry for yourself more than useual lately and lets face it. You deserve it. Because right now your life is kind of pathetic.