I cannot believe I'm actually telling people what just occurred. So today I ate a big burrito from Baja Fresh followed by 3-4 cranberry coffee cake deals. Then 2 hours later I had an early dinner with the folks that included this horrible smelling pasta/shrimp ordeal. It tasted great...but smelled like crap that got streaked on the toilet seat seasoned w/ MSG. Upon reaching my home, I consumed half a bag of dried apricots.

After about an hour of reading, my stomach began to grumble. I knew the consequences of earlier choices were coming to fruition. I, thinking ahead, grabbed a candle and a lighter knowing the stench would be horrendous. After I had lit the candle I pulled my pants down to my ankles as I did with my boxers. I relaxed my sphincter muscle and anything that can be categorized as "unholy" or "less-than-sacred" made a prompt exit out of my anus. Of course not all had come out. There was a hanger. I hate the hanger. The turtle who pops his head out yet doesn't fully extend regardless of force initiated from the business end of the large intestine.

So as I am squirming, spreading, and such the smell is driving me mad. This is when the 'bright idea' comes to me. Burn some hair. Yeah, it smells...but I'd rather be smelling this. I decided my thighs had plenty of hair to loose so I twisted a clump together. Meanwhile my penis began to spew forth urine (as it usually does in the post-crap-sequence). As my urethra was releasing the 'piss' I lit the little bunch of hair on fire. I did not realize that the hair twisted together would act as a fuse and continue burning down to my skin. Needless to say, it did. Next thing I know, I'm jumping off the toilet seat beating the flame out on my thigh as my wee-wee is completely relaxed and watering the floor, my pants around my ankles, the bath towel and the walls. I wish I could say that the turtle was a turtle. Unfortunately it was more like what happens when you bite down into those candy fruit snacks, "gushers." This mini-explosion happened as I was attempting to get my ass back on the toilet seat in order to point my penis back into the toilet.

Now for a recap: While I was burning my thigh hair, I caught my leg on fire which made me jump up while I was urinating. The urine flowed uninhibited all over my clothes, towels, floor and walls. I then crapped a Hershey squirt 75% on the toliet seat and 25% on the side of the toilet seat (which eventually drippled almost to the floor).