Hoblems weekly Horoscopes by Hoblem
I am doing this bit a little early because I am traveling most of the rest of this month. Tula rula ru.
ARIES- If you have survived last week good job. However don't go flailing your limbs and running blindly into the night just yet. The 15th looks like a good time for you to hurt yourself real bad. And nothing can be quite as annoying as� an injured ram. Especially an injured ram on the holidays. This week watch where you are going. Really.
TAURUS- Well haven't we been a busy little bee right before the holidays. Running people over with shopping carts. Fighting people who jump you in line. You are just filled with the holiday spirit. But really you should take some time to relax. You are getting annoying as hell to the people closest to you. Do you even know how to relax and take it easy? For the love of god take a Valium or something. This week, just try not to be so damn pushy for the love of god.
GEMINI- Though you are known to be a treat socially it seems as if you have waited until the last minute for all of your Christmas needs. Sure being the social butterfly you are keeps you quite busy with all of the partying and what not. But the people closest to you are feeling a little bit left behind. Just burn them a CD or something. Or give them that crappy gift you never took out of the box last year. Just make sure you don't give it to the same person that gave it to you.
CANCER- Well its that time of year again. Time for cooperate party's, school break party's friends from out of town party's, and so on. Luckily you have been taking in the hair of the dog that bit you since about the 2nd. So try not to feel too insulted when you notice that the open bar is free for everyone but you. Not everyone can foot the bill for that bottomless pit of alcohol that resides within you. So in other words B.Y.O.B. unless you want people to notice your shakes when last call comes about 6 hours early for you. This week try to sober up a little. Or at least take a shower for the love of god.
LEO- Well if you haven't found that special someone last week don't lose hope. Hope is all some people have and right now that may be all you do as well. At least you have a job right? Don't go spending all your money on that latest flame of yours though because it looks like some higher ups are waiting until after the Holidays to share the bad news. Hang in there. Why I am not to sure. But uh just do it anyway.
VIRGO- Sometimes it can seem as if family and friends don't have your best interest in mind. And frankly they don't. But dont mind them. Because there are at least hundreds of people out there that have waited all of their lives just to be your friend of course. That is until they get to know you better. So try not to be too revealing. You know. Try not to talk so damn much. You would be surprised the outcome. This week; Shut up.
LIBRA- Have you been wondering why that latest crush of yours does not seem to be paying attention to you this week. Well people talk and it doesn't take long before people realize how much you have been around. Scolding the good friends you have that talk is not a good Idea. Is it really there fault that you have slept with everyone they know? And them? And people that they will eventually meet? Plus you are also in a relationship for crying out loud. This week, sleep with whoever you want. Or whoever is desperate enough to sleep with you. Your reputation is pretty much done for anyway. Leaving the state may be a good idea.
SCORPIO- Why do people judge you? That person that you wound up going to jail for assaulting should have never insulted you to begin with! Ahhhhh the nerve of some people. But however do not feel alienated or exiled this week. It is certain you will meet someone as jaded and narcissistic as you are. You two will have a great time discussing how you don't care what others think. And describing how all thats wrong in your life is someone else's fault. A match made in heaven? Yea sure something like that.
SAGITTARIUS- If your birthday is this week you can count on a good time. That is if you consider getting shit faced and blabbing about all of your friends embarrassing moments a good time. So don't be surprised when your friends go stomping out and don't want to talk to you anymore. It's ok because you know enough dirt on them to keep them around just to make sure that they know where they stand! They should have paid more attention to you when you were screwing up! Oh well what are friends for right?
CAPRICORN- Its the most wonderful time of the year! Is it really? No its not. Try not to bring every one else down. Just watch everyone else have a good time and try to smile and be pleasant. Why? Because sooner or later you will be having fun and you can rub it in there face of course. And that would be the most wonderful time of year. Whenever the hell that is anyway. This week; dont eat yellow snow. Dont eat snow period you dont know whats in it.
AQUARIUS- Cheaters never win. What a load of crap. People that get caught never win. Thats how it really works. But this week you should be careful because the accusations of lately have earned you a little extra scrutiny. That's fine it will wear off. Try not to let that Halo of yours get to comfortable though. They can't stare at you forever.
PISCES- Well after weeks of trudging it appears that some light is starting to appear at the end of the tunnel.� Yea well its not a train. Its a hobo keeping warm. But don't be shy pull up right next to that bin fire have a sip of his booze and tap your foot. That hobo can play a real mean handbone! Watch out for trains though.