The Ultimate 80s Action Movie
OK, I admit I'm at least two decades late on this, but true genius takes time, right? Sure. Anyway, here's an idea for a great action movie. Take a generic secret government bad guy-killing organization. Who's in charge of it? None other than Billy Dee Williams! Why, you ask? Well I'll tell you: because he's Billy Dee Williams, that's why! He's already proven himself a capable leader in the Star Wars films, he can hawk cheap liquor like none other and he earns bonus points for that one movie where he blows up a car with a rocket launcher just because he can.
Despite itself, this super-secret organization ol' Billy Dee is running is quite conspicuous. It's not hiding in plain sight, mind yourather, its remote location makes it stand out even more. Typical Hollywood extravagance has spared no expense at outfitting the organization's headquarters with opulent style, state-of-the-art gadgetry and Mr. Belvedere. Hey, Batman needed Alfred to take care of the Batcave; these places don't clean themselves! How exactly all of this manages to squeeze into the nation's budget is anyone's guess, but no one ever said freedom was cheap, right? We need the best money can buy to utterly annihilate any shady character who might threaten our
plans for world domination way of life. And annihilate we will, for by far the majority of these funds have been spent on all manner weaponry from lowly pistols (available by the pair) to strategic intercontinental ballistic missile systems (The Smart Choice in Home Defense).
But what's a heavily armed secret government bad guy-killing organization to do on a lazy Sunday afternoon? Why, kill bad guys, of course! It's the 80s, and American need not fear for a lack of enemies. Maybe a disgruntled Soviet general wants to cause some trouble. Perhaps some obscure third-world country is trying to go pinko on us. But no, those wouldn't suit an 80s action movie; they're far beneath the likes of our elite department of butt-kickery. Pssh, let the military handle them; I'm gonna go watch TV. No, the threat to America worthy of this kind of action comes from some hitherto unknown madman who, despite being stark raving mad, has amassed quite a following of crooks, ne'er-do-wells and Tiffany Brissette robots. His attire looks like something no man should be wearing in public...and probably not even in private. Kind of like the getup General Zod from Superman II somehow managed to squeeze himself into. So far he's managed to slip under the radar, but one day, out of the blue, he decided it would be an awesome idea to steal some nukes and blow up some prominent yet not economically sensitive landmark, like the Statue of Liberty or something.
And we can't let that happen, now can we? Through his vast intelligence network, which somehow manages to remain covert despite its vastness, Billy Dee catches wind of the plot. So what's he going to do about it? Send a legion of crack troops to mow down this threat in a hail of gunfire? Who's got time for that? I came here for an action movie, not two hours of mindless hero worship. No, this calls for the best we've got. To get the job done, we need none other than Chuck Norris and Mr. T. Each is legendary in his own right, but together they can stop anything even the meanest 80s villain can possibly throw at us. After a quick briefing from Billy Dee, some kind (and probably comical) words from Mr. Belvedere and a quick stop at the armory for more guns and explosives than you thought two dudes could carry, our two protagonists go on their way to save the world. A brief trip to some desolate area brings them close to the bad guy's hideout. After a brief stroll through the area (including some amusing situational comedy between Mr. T and the locals), the two get to work. Bullets fly, henchmen die and a pretty nasty mess is made, but somehow the evil ringleader escapes.
Well, looks like that didn't work so well. As is all too typical in modern warfare, we've got all these taxpayer-funded fancy weapons and Chuck freakin' Norris, and we can't even handle a textbook one-dimensional 80s villain. Time for Plan B. To prepare our intrepid heroes, however, we require that all-important ritual of the middle of any half decent 80s movie. The montage. Involved in this process is a whole lot of disjointed, dialogue-free scenes of rope-jumping, stair-climbing and other (hopefully) relevant training set to the cheesiest music you've ever heard. This goes on for three minutes or so. As the music mercifully fades, Chuck shares some encouraging words with Mr. T and they end the day feeling much more optimistic about the task at hand. The warm, fuzzy feelings are quickly extinguished though, as the bad guy has figured out where our secret government organization is and, frankly, he's not too happy about what Chuck and Mr. T did when they were over at his place so he's decided to return the favor...with a vengeance! In the ensuing battle, many redshirts are killed, yet all of the main characters, in the midst of the fray, remain unscathed save for some minor scratches and ripped shirts.
The evil madman who's behind all this has, conveniently, come along with his army to watch the drama unfold. Billy Dee is busy holding off a couple dozen henchmen and Mr. Belvedere is hiding under a table somewhere, so it's up to Chuck and Mr. T to put a stop to this once and for all. The villain's guards put up a fight, but it doesn't take long before nothing stands between him and our heroes. The brief quarrel has left Mr. T subdued with a nasty flesh wound, however, so Chuck alone has to finish the fight. An epic battle ensues, complete with flamboyant slow-motion dives with akimbo Berettas blazing while white doves inexplicably appear in the background (in true John Woo style), interspersed with some overconfident taunts from the bad guy, to which Chuck replies with some stoic platitudes. Even though the main battle between all the other people is supposedly going on all around them, neither of these two men appears to be threatened by anyone but the other (I use the word "threatened" loosely, as both of them still have yet to actually get shot). Eventually the villain makes some fatal and glaringly obvious error. Chuck takes full advantage of this and, after a memorable one-liner, shoots him in the face. The rest of the bad guys suddenly take note of this and either surrender or run away. In the aftermath, Billy Dee congratulates Chuck on a job well done, Mr T. looks like he's not hurt so bad after all, Mr. Belvedere comes out of his hiding place and the audience leaves the theater feeling substantially more jingoistically patriotic.
See? Best movie ever. Someone needs to film this like yesterday.
Or, y'know, you could just watch Team America for the hundredth time.