The Twelve Days of Christmas
26 December 2008
Darling, just a quick thank you note for my lovely Christmas present. A partridge in a pear tree, how unusual! You are SO thoughtful. I love you to bits
27 December 2008
Darling, thank you thank you thank you! Two turtle doves, how very sweet of you! You are such a romantic! Lots of love!!
28 December 2008
Thank you for the three French hens, darling, I suppose I can use the eggs. Bye for now.
30 December 2008
Hello sweetheart, I'm sorry about not writing yesterday but to be honest I was a bit worried about all these presents you were buying and I'm still not sure what four colley birds are, but thanks ever so much for the five gold rings. Now please no more, because I don't want you to bankrupt yourself. Bye!
2 January 2009
Darling, will you please stop sending me these birds. I really don't have space in the flat for all of them. I know you mean well but it isn't really funny any more.
6 January 2009
Now look fuckwit, are you some kind of fucking sicko? I've had the police round because of the neighbours complaining about the noise and they look at me like I'm completely fucking mental when I tell them it's the nine drummers drumming and ten pipers piping my warped ex sent me every fucking day since fucking Christmas. The twelve lords have wrecked the garden by a-leaping all over the fucking plants, in the short gaps between shagging the eleven ladies dancing in the bushes, the seven swans have a-swam all over the bathroom and pecked each other to death and the six geese have laid their fucking eggs all over the fucking floor and the other fucking birds have trampled them into the fucking carpet. Does this give you some kind of kick you demented cunt? The partridge fell out of the fucking pear tree and now I've got the sodding RSPCA on my case for cruelty to partridges. Did you even check where partridges live. Your things are on the lawn. I suggest you come and get them at night when they tranquilisers have kicked in, otherwise I will pull your fucking balls out through your ears and nail them to the front door. Then fuck off out of my life forever.