"Hey, Matt! Check this shit out!"
Those words will forever haunt me. I looked up from my beer, and felt a big stupid grin spread across my lips. There, in all of its shiny majestic glory, was an assault rifle being held in front of my eyes by my friend Brian. I jumped out of my chair.
"Jesus, tell me that thing is real. Please, for the love of God, tell me that's real!"
Nick looked up from his beer, his eyes as large as saucers.
"Damn straight. I got it when the ban expired on assault weapons. I know a sports shop that had them on hand."
"Oh..... oh God. Let me.... let me touch it. I must touch it."
"Fuck that, why don't you hold it?"
I could feel the bulge in my pants growing as he said that. I just realized I had shit myself. I just shit my pants with sheer, unadulterated ecstacy. That, and I had a massive erection. After I changed my pants, I walked back over to Brian.
"What were you doing?" He asked.
"Sorry. I shit myself." I answered.
"Ah. Same thing happened to me after I blew up some pumpkins with it."
"Lemme hold it."
My erection was poking out through my pants, but I didn't mind. I was entranced by the wondrous beauty that was the assault rifle. I wish I could remember what kind it was, but the events later made me forget those details.
Brian quickly grabbed a clip off the table and popped a bullet in.
"I was firing these puppies yesterday...."
He snapped the cartridge into place and loaded the rifle. I could feel myself becoming giddy with excitement as he handed the rifle over to me very carefully.
"Be very careful. The safety's off. That shit'll punch a pencil-sized hole through a foot of concrete, and it'll blow a hole in the back that's the size of your head."
"You ok, Matt?"
"Yeah, just fine. I just creamed myself is all."
Brian nodded his head knowingly. I carefully held it to my shoulder, instinctively put my finger on the trigger, and looked through the sight. Nick was watching me intently as he smoked his cigarette. His feet were right in my line of sight.
"Hey, watch where you're pointing that rifle, asshole."
"Oh, shit. Sorry Nick."
I pointed the rifle away from his feet and his girlfriend started laughing her ass off.
"What's so funny?" I inquired.
"Do you wanna stop pointing your gun at me too?" She asked.
"But the rifle isn't even near you!"
"You're not very bright, are you Matt?" She pointed.
I looked down at my crotch, and sure enough, there was my gun pointing at her.
After holding the rifle for a few more minutes, I decided that the skin on my cock was ready to split open. I had to let it rest for a bit. I pointed the rifle upwards and handed it to Brian.
*insert deafening noise here*
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!?" Brian screamed, holding his ears.
"MOTHERFUCKER, MY FINGER SLIPPED!!" I screamed back.
What the hell did I just shoot? Nick, Brian, and Nick's girlfriend looked alright. Nothing was broken. I looked up. There was a hole in the ceiling. We all stared at the ceiling in mindless wonder.
Suddenly, Brian started to giggle. The giggling turned into chuckles, and the chuckles turned into insane cackles. At this point, everybody in the room was screaming with laughter. All of a sudden, I found myself flat on my back with the worst pain in my head I had ever felt since the time I was given a piledriver and knocked unconscious by a big fat angry Greek guy.
Brian was standing over me screaming something. Nick's girlfriend was curled on the chair in fear as Nick held Brian back from ruining my shit. For some reason, all I could think about was if my boner was poking through my pants.
Yup, it still was.
God, he should've told me that assault rifles were like Viagra.
Brian grabbed the gun, and Nick's girlfriend tended to the massive swelling on my head. Suddenly, there was a sharp knock on the door. Brian grabbed the gun and looked through the peephole.
"Who is it!?" Nick whispered.
"Probably the cops." I slurred.
"You can probably shut the fuck up, asshole. It's my neighbor." Brian called to me.
I leaned my head back. God this was embarrassing. Nick's girlfriend was quietly sobbing as she held ice to my forehead. When the hell did she have time to grab ice?
I had just realized something. Somebody was limping into the room. I looked over to the door, and saw a very large black guy moving towards Brian.
"OH JESUS, ARE YOU OK!?" Brian screamed as he dropped the gun and helped him inside.
"Yeah, you jus' got a bunch of mah toes, bro."
"Woah, hold on-"
"Look, it's alright dawg. I'm not callin' the cops."
Brian looked a little relieved as he sat the guy down on his couch. The poor bastard had his foot wrapped in a blood-soaked towel.
"Lemme get you a new towel. You need me to drive you to a hospital!?" Brian called from the kitchen.
To our horror, the guy pulled out a handgun and twisted on a silencer. Brian walked in, and promptly got shot in the leg. He fell down and screamed.
"Now we even, bro. C'mon, we goin' to da hospital." He calmly said as he threw Brian over his shoulder and walked out of the room.
Blood was all over the place. Me, Nick, and Nick's girlfriend sat there dumbfounded. Minutes passed, and we saw a car pull out of the complex. I looked back at my friends. Nothing was said for nearly a half hour. Nick pulled a beer out from the fridge, while his girlfriend and I played Super Smash Brothers.
Suddenly, Nick broke the silence.
"The FUCK was THAT!?"
The previous events flooded back to my memory, and I immediately threw down my controller.
"I've got no idea. All I know is that I've gotta rub one out. This boner is fucking killing me."