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You May Hate Me After This

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I don't think I have any real enemies on here. I've been nasty to Cailen(the lip avatar chick) and Bitch-on-a-stick, but I have also sent them PM's praising their blogs when I felt they were good. I pretty much stayed out of the political blogs in the fall and try not to rustle TOO many feathers.

God knows it's hard enough to deal with the personalities in the REAL world; I don't need to have battles with the cyber community. This blog, however, may be the one to finally piss people off and make even some of my supporters hate me.

The polarizing topic I am about to broach is the subject of.....CATS!!

I hate cats. I HATE CATS!! I have an instinctual aversion to the vile little shit-diggers. I have never owned a feline and just cannot wrap my mind around what makes a person WANT a cat around. Cats are like Al Qaeda to me!

I hate the smell of cat shit. Most people do but I can smell 'cat' in a house if you own one. (I am predicting a flurry of comments below stating that you change your shitter-box daily, your cat shits outside, etc. but I promise you, I can smell your filthy little parasite.) If you own an outside cat, your yard reeks! I can smell a cat walking BY a house.

I used to have a theory that the only people who owned cats were gay men and fat chicks who use the company of cats as compensation for their low self-esteem. They are ignored just enough by aloof felines to accurately simulate the way we asshole guys sometimes treat them.

I have been banging chicks before when their cats suddenly decided they need attention and hopped on the bed for a 'menage a paw.' I didn't strangle the nasty vermin because the satisfaction of feeling their alien hearts slowing and finally stopping in my hands would have been slightly less satisfying than the busting of my nut so I feigned amusement as you shooed away "Buttons."

After I leave your cat house I am covered in repulsive, white hairs and my sinuses are plugged.

I am mystified, however, when I meet people who seem normal, are not gay, yet own a cat. It's like having an ugly sticker bush as a house plant. My mind cannot cmprehend.

I don't think cats are stupid. I've seen cats that have an uncanny alien intelligence. I have a theory that aliens may have seeded our world with spy cats. My son's cat (Who lives at his house, not mine) KNOWS he is not to be on the furniture and will not jump on to the furniture if you are there. I have quietly entered the house only find the little shit lazing on the sofa. He sees me and get's an, "Oh SHIT" look on his face and slink away just out of reach of my cat-kicking foot. Cats are an animal that basically flip the finger at their owners whenever the mood strikes them.

I find kittens to be somewhat cute but even Osama Bin Laden must have been a cute baby at one time.

OK... you may hate me now but I had to be true to myself.

P.S. as stated before, I will tease your cat when you leave the room.

ugdork Uploaded 01/09/2009
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