Once upon a time I got a second date with the same girl.  This time I decided to meet her at her house.  I ring the doorbell and the dad answered the door.  I look to the dad and I said "I am here to fuck up your daughter."  When I woke up I pulled out a dictionary from my pocket and it turns out fuck and pick are two completely different words.  Now I know why I have this black eye.  Finally I get my girlfriend to sneak out of the house.  Apparently her street is a "no exit" street so there isnt enough road.  But where we were going we didn't need roads.  I put on my sunglasses and we got a canoe and went on the lake.  We paddled to the middle of the lake and started to fish.  She starts complain that fishing is boring.  So I told her to shut the fuck up!  Once again the word fuck got me another black eye.  She ended up getting undressed and went skinny dipping.  I decided to stay in the boat. I only did this because this scary music from John Williams started to play out of no where. It made me feel uncomfortable.  I look at my girlfriend and it turns out she is getting eaten by the shark.  She swims back to the canoe and I pull her in.  The shark chewed off her left arm.  The shark starts to circle our canoe. I got an idea; I pull out an axe from my pocket and chop off my girlfriend's right arm.  When the shark came out onto the boat I began to beat it senseless with my girlfriend's right arm.  Finally the shark gave up and swam away.  I decided to end the date since my girlfriend wouldn't stop bitching about her missing two arms.  I ignored her and noticed there was a storm coming so I paddled to shore fast at a speed of 88mph.  Lighting struck the canoe and we went back in time. True story I swear.  Our canoe appeared in the middle of a street in the year 1955.  I noticed a Delorean stopped in front of us.  I pulled the driver out and put my girlfriend and myself in the car.  We then found a Flux Capacitor and turned it on and we went back to the future. We appeared back at the lakeshore in the year 2009 and it turns out my girlfriend's two arms floated back to shore.  It was a good thing I used to be a doctor so I pulled out a first aid kit from my pocket and reattached her arms.  My girlfriend couldn't be happier.  We took the bus back to her place and we made sweet, sweet love.  After we were finished she asked me if I was a pedophile I turn to her and I say "Pedophile?! That is a big word for an eight year old." On second thought this story is not true I swear!