More Deadly than the Swine Flu...
with a 100% mortality rate!! What are we to do? Where are we to hide? Why me?!?!
In a series of interviews with the world's top virologists, pathologists, misogynists, zoologists, palaeontologists, doctors, podiatrists, neurosurgeons, lawyers, statesmen, philosophers, that guy on the corner of 8th and Main, occultists, zookeepers, beekeepers, trapper-keepers (remember those?), and Arthur Schopenhauer, I have learned that there is a disease which permeates nearly every inch of the globe, is incurable, always fatal, and quite inescapable...
AIR :the silent killer.
"In my over thirty-five years of research I have not found one human immune system capable of sustaining life in perpetuity," said Dr. Heinz von Catsup of the German Institute for Nicht Sterben. "The most any person can hope for is 70 or so years. In incredibly rare cases I have seen... life sustained for upwards of 110 or 115 years. And in such cases, the patient is so riddle with exposure to air that they are nearly incapable of functioning in any way. Most victims die much earlier though. It really is unstoppable."
"Air is definitely a leading cause of death, but you never hear about it. Twice in the last year I have contacted all the major world media outlets trying to get them to do an expose on the subject, but to no avail." This was from Dr. Scholls, a leader in the field of Studying Stuff. Despite all his best efforts the only media source that picked up on the story was Al Jazeera, who ran the story: Infidel Oxygen, How to Jihad the Shit out of It.
Though it proves deadly in 100% of cases that report exposure to it, world governments have been mostly mum on ways to contain its spread or how to even treat it. The UN, WHO, WHAM, EU, NATO, SEATO, NEATO and other intra-governmental organizations have turned a blind eye to this plight of humanity.
But not just humans: "Air, it keeled zee monkeyz," cried Berlin Fucking City Zoo Manager Siegfried Roybach, hunched over the bodies of two recently decesed twenty-three year old Reuses monkeys. "And zee llamaz. Vat am I to do? No monkeyz, no llamaz..."
On the workings and mechanisms behind this infestation, science too is all but silent. "We just don't know how it works. We know that it spreads through diffusion from one place to another, from high to low pressure, but how it actually infects and kills it's host is beyond us. We do know that it is typically inhaled, but beyond that we are in uncharted territory," is quoted Dr. Jonathan Mehoff, DDS, MD, NKOTB. "We don't know why it takes so long to go from a state of dormancy to a state of full-blown dead in some people," said Dr. Richard Blower of Melancholy University.
When reached for comment, an unnamed American radio host had this to say; "You know I don't doubt that this infection is spreading so rapidly because gays are marrying and blacks and women got the vote. You can't fact check me on this, but I'm pretty sure air killed Jesus. One thing I am certain of, taxes help spread this disease more aggressively than two coked-up queer Jews fighting over the last Kosher sausage in a New York Deli."
Air, it's killing you now and you don't even know it. Air, it can smell good or it can smell real bad. Air, the stuff you breathe. Air, it will kill your family. Air, you can't stop it. Air, its a spreading disease. Air, it's already too late. Air, once you go black you never, ever go back. Air, the devil made me do it...
So here I am my friends, here to warn you of the growing dangers that are killing us all!! We must unite, join with me everyone. Republicans, Democrats, Christians, Jews, Hindus, Disco Dancers, Hunters, Gatherers, Haters and Skaters and French Fried 'Taters... we must all put aside our petty differences and solve this global catastrophe!
So wrap a plastic bag around your head and duct tape it tight!! Throw a big zip-tie on there too for good measure!! Together, we can beat this thing...
Symptoms Include: walking, talking, blinking, eating, pooping, sex (anal and oral), masturbation, crying, laughing, typing, blogging, enjoying a sunny day, walking the dog, flying a kite, running with scissors, drinking to excess, playing cards, jury duty, operating heavy machinery, taking out the trash, runny nose, bleeding ulcers, bleeding gums, bleeding rectum, bleeding internally, bleeding externally, calling your mother of mother's day, forgetting to call your mother on mothers day, being a serial killer, paying taxes...