NONSENSICAL LOSS OF LIFE
bigbad blogged tonite about his story of the girl that got away. i remember when he had first blogged about her and was torn on what he should do about it. i myself advised him to grow a set and call her. i figured you never know what her situation might be and if the timing was right, they might start right where they left off. it seems big followed my advice and it didnt end well for him. im sorry buddy, i wish things had gone differently for you.
the ironic part is that my motivation for telling him to sieze the moment was that i had had a similar situation with a girl. i lost touch with her for years and when i finally found her, she was in a cemetary having met a horrible end. id hoped big could reconnect with his lost love without ever having experienced such a loss. unfortunately the world is a cruel and shitty place and a happy reunion was not to be the case. i went back and forth about writing about this tonite, partly because ive never dealed with it and partly because i didnt want to take away from bad with my whiny blog. in the end i decided to write about it,ive never spoken of it before, but maybe itll help.
right out of highschool i got a job doing security work for private party strippers. im the guy that drove them them to their shows, counted money, and kept them safe. i was a young buck of 18 and (as anyone whos ever been around strippers socially knows) they tend to be pretty well fucked in the head so i tended to keep my distance. every once in awhile, however, an intelligent girl with her head screwed on straight just saw a quick way to make money for school and ended up in the business. shawna was such a girl.
the first night i met her i was blown away by her beauty. 5'7" waist length golden blond hair, crystalline blue eyes, porcelain skin with a beautiful face and a thin knockout body. in addition to all that i was surprised to find that behind all that hotness, was an intelligent, sweet, honest, down to earth girl. you ever meet one of those seriously hot girls, but by their attitude and demeanor it seems like they dont know it? that was her. fun to be around, spoke 3 languages fluently, and looked like a life size barbie doll. what she was doing stripping i will never understand.
we started as friends and, as i got to know her, we became closer. eventually she admitted she had a thing for me and i decided to pursue it. nothing ever came of it because shortly thereafter, she began to get involved in drugs. at first it was just a little but ive never done any drugs in my life and, while i dont judge those that do, i tend to stay away. she began hanging out with alot of drug dealers and gang members as she got deeper into her addiction and they werent people i wanted to be around. so we lost touch, i always regretted it and i often thought of her.
a couple years later i got it in my head to start to look for her, try to see how she was and catch up. it seemeed shed disappeared off the face of the earth. for years after that id ask around and the answer was always the same, noone had seen her. id just begun to give up when i ran into a mutual friend who gave me the news. shortly sfter shawna and i fell out, her meth dealer boyfriend though it would be funny to steal a rival drug dealers car.the next night he asked shawna to go to the store to get him some cigarettes and gave her the keys to the stolen ride. she went unknowingly and was spotted driving the car by the rival dealer. he and some of his friends follwed her, kidnapped her, took her to the orange groves in our city where they savagely beat, continually raped, and then strangled her to death. to add insult to an already horrendous crime, they then doused her body in gasoline and set it on fire.
often times when i close my eyes i can see her, scared, and in pain and dying alone. i told her once that i wouldnt let anyone hurt her, i lied... my friends broken body was burned and discarded in the hopes of not getting caught. the only way they were ever found was a cigarette butt the cops pulled dna off of. what kind of person takes a break from rape and murder to have a ciggy? the kind of person who has no respect for life, thats who. the funny thing is, i met the guy that killed her once. he was a supposed 'friend' of hers. i got a bad vibe off the dude right away. he was just one of those guys that you can tell will snap at any moment. the kind of guy that would take an innocent human beings life, then continue along with his day as if nothing happened. maybe those dreams and thoughts of her are my punishment. i heard once that the worst thing a good man can do in the face of evil is nothing. thats what i did...nothing. now that statement takes on a meaning so poignant that the words stab straight to the heart.i take those dreams and memories greatfully as a silent reminder of a life lost and a lesson learned about the consequences of breaking my promise
she died for nothing. her intelligence, beauty, and honesty all died with her, and now the world is a little bit darker of a place without her. now these pieces of shit get a trial where they get to mount a defense and fight the death penalty? what was her defense? did they listen when she pled for her life? no they didnt. they stole her life and took what they wanted and left her a charred piece of meat in the woods. whatever happened to an eye for an eye? whatever happened to justice? what has society come to when shit birds like this kill and think it makes them hardcore? i hope they all burn in hell. but no matter what the punishment, itll never make it right. my friend is gone and now they rot in a jail cell. a promising life ruined over addiction and stupidity.
i think of her alot and my memories are bitter sweet. even as i write this blog i feel an overwhelming sadness. as if there were a great emptiness inside me. as if a piece of me were gone and i could never get it back. what if id kept trying to reach her and get her out of the drugs? would it have helped? more than likely no, but at least id have attempted to keep my promise. rather i stood by and did nothing. i might as well have been there when they tortured and killed her. i might as well have stood silently as they raped her. i might as well have turned a blind eye when they put cigarettes out all over her body. rather i stand here now as a liar. she depended on me once and when she needed me i let her down. i learned a horrible lesson at a terrible cost that day. ill never break a promise again
goodbye shawna, im sorry and ill miss you