New 'When I Rule the World...' Rants
Okay, back by unpopular demand just because I'm an asshole are my 'When I Rule the World' Rants. If you missed the first one, here is the link.
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/user/blog//view=839726/ (hope this works for you)
When I rule the world, all these assholes that insist on playing the lottery will get pistol whipped. (Benefits older Pennsylvanians...How, it gives them something to do with their time once they retire and spend all their god damn money on? Yeah, my dick.)
When I rule the World all the people who have pics on myspace of them making that stupid puckered 'kissy' lip face shall have their faces forcibly removed by Belt Sanders. You look like a puckered anus and fucking retarded. So either stop it, sign up for the special olympics, or suffer the consequences.
When I rule the world Lottery is banned at all forms of business except Casino and special Lottery stores where the retired lottery junkies can go waste their money and their own time without impending on someone who just wants a coffee and has little time to spare or otherwise. Any stores in violation with this shall immediately be burned to the ground with anyone responsible for such a decision inside at the time. (Work in a gas station or be a vendor providing a product to a store or station and you'll know EXACTLY what I mean. Entirely too much god damn time and money is wasted on this bullshit with people who don't even play it just so gramps can win a few bucks and go home and shit in his depends. Get a fucking life! Go fishing!)
When I rule the world, minimum speed is 20 over the posted Speed Limits everywhere, end of story. Violate this law and you shall have porcupines punted up your ass.
When I rule the world, Ugly, Fat, Disgusting, or otherwise visually impaired people will get whatever it takes to imrpove their looks/quality of life as well as those around them...free of charge. Enjoy.
When I rule the world, free mouse pads for all.
When I rule the world, free college for all but only for the first degree/trial, (you fail, you pay)
When I rule the world, Everyone on earth shall receive a toilet made out of solid gold.
When I rule the world the guy who hosts 'Pimp my Ride' will have a playstation 2 installed in his ass.
When I rule the world, A Clockwork Orange is forever banned. Any who expose it, watch it, even speak it's name shall have their tongues pulled out and be hung with them.
When I rule the world (I might have mentioned this movie/actor but I hate it so much it deserves another mention) Jon Heder, for his work in Napoleon Dynamite, will be forced into a vat of concrete and used to make my sidewalk to my throne room. This movie is awful, simply terrible garbage at best.
When I rule the world, should I change my mind, Jon Heder shall be skinned alive and spread really really thin to make the red carpet to my throne...that no-talent assbag.
When I rule the world, all the blind shall see again because blindness sucks.
When I rule the world, all amputated limbs are regrown because a missing limb sucks.
When I rule the world, anyone playing rap so loud that someone who finds it distasteful can hear it shall be shot dead on sight by whoever pleases to do so. The louder the offending noise, the bigger the gun that is allowed to exact some indiscriminate justice.
When I rule the world, R. A. Salvatore shall finally get along to making his Drizzt Do'Urden series into a movie series, with Peter Jackson at the head. It shall be as good as LOTR if not better! Salvatore shall oversee the work personally. (damn fine awesome read if you're into fantasy, btw!!!)
When I rule the world the characters AliG and Borat are no more...and that's that.
When I rule the world, anyone undeserving of a position in anything (I am omnipotent so proof will not be required) shall be executed by multiple mule kicks to the head.
When I rule the world, I shall resurrect Liberachi and Freddie Mercury, team them up with Richard Simmons, and when they aren't circle jerking in man orgies with one another they shall tag team anyone I find distasteful or offensive, and we shall start with Jon Heder (GOSH this, asshole!).
When I rule the world everyone gets a personal Chauffeur and limosine. There, ya buncha ungrateful swine. Enjoy.
When I rule the world, and as long as it is not in violation to that which has been decreed from high above (by me), everyone gets 3 wishes that will be granted in full with none of that stupid 'word it right or it goes all wrong' bullshit. It is what it is and that's that.
When I rule the world, anyone I refer to as a 'Hack' will instantly get dismembered by a machete wielding midget that follows me around.
When I rule the world the Droid from Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic, HK-47, shall be made for real and I will own the only one in true existence. George Lucas will head this project and not be permitted to do anything else until it is completed to what I deem as perfection. (Great game if you haven't played it DO SO!)
When I rule the world, King of the Hill is banned and Beavis and Butt-Head are resurrected or Mike Judge gets punted to the sun.
When I rule the world (may have already mentioned this previously) Midget-Tossing and Child-Punting become Olympic Events.
When I rule the world the guy in this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2-ESMCZgVw gets a coke, a smoke, and a good pat on the back for being such a good sport, as well as reconstruction of his genital area.
When I rule the world, any Honorable Mentions on Darwin Awards are immediately executed and moved to the 'Awards' section. I may not believe in evolution but survival of he fittest is key and that is why I end up ruling the world in the long run.
When I rule the world, all douchebags who wear tan in a can and no shirts shall be force fed tan in a can until they are shiting sprinkles...Since this will probably never happen they will end up choking and dying, and that is a satisfactory outcome.
Amendment...When I rule the world, all Douchebags die by my 3 way gay tagteam (mentioned earlier) wielding serrated steel dildos. Have fun, boys.
Whe I rule the world, Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, and Mr. T will be made as awesome as they sound on the many facts circulating around the Internet about them, but they shall still pale in comparison to the Supreme Ruler of the World (me of course).
I think this is all my baked brain can cook up right now. Just got done working a 21 hour stretch, so good night. Some other time perhaps.