Jizz-Stains, Heat Wave, and Otter Pops in My Butt

It's fucking hot in Seattle. We are in the middle of an unprecedented heat wave. 103F. That sets a record for the hottest day in RECORDED HISTORY. We had the hottest temp in the country. (Well... that's what a friend told me and this is the internet so I don't need to check my facts)

People in Arizona, NM, Florida, ets are saying, "Yeah... so fucking what. WAAAH!" You are right to do so. In Seattle we are a bunch of whiny cunt-bitches. Ask Rednote; he used to live here. We complain about smokers, polluters, bicycle-riders, noise...We will whine about snow, in fact, I wrote a whine blog about it in December.

So... anyway, we decided to rent a hotel with AC as we have not slept a decent night's sleep in days. We were not alone. Seattle folk don't have AC because we may need it 3 days max per year. Hence, all the medium-to-nice hotels are packed. WAAAAAH!

I am writing this blog from the seediest, nastiest motel in which I have ever stayed. We had to settle for a place near our apartment. Our apartment is a converted 100 yr-old mansion that oozes charm. We have a view of the water (If you stand on a chair in the fall after the leaves are off the big tree out front you can see a sliver of Puget Sound) The motel is toward the yuckier part of town.

I am sitting in a cigarette-smelling, carpet-stained dive and I am afraid to touch anything but the AC buttons and my beer. I did not bring enough beer to let me pass out on the bed upon which my OCD brain pictures all sorts of little creatures teeming and jumping.

The desk clerk was tweaking on meth and, during our check-in, took a call from the cleaning lady who was calling in sick. He implored her to come in as things were busy and he had rented a whopping 15 rooms that needed cleaning.

So, as I use the free Wi-Fi, sending info that I am sure Tweaky McJitter is monitoring in the hopes that I log into my bank account, I am cooled by the sweet, blowing, air conditioning.

My only other option is to hope that they manufacture a suppository form of Otter Pops that I can keester to cool my core temperature. Alexander the Rape? Little Orifice Orange? Louie Blue Rasberry (or Dingleberry) Strawberry Short Dook?





Uploaded 07/30/2009
  • 0 Favorites
  • Flag
  • Stumble
  • More


  • Get our free newsletter

    Amazing new updates!