Last weekend my neighborhood held, what the signs posted everwhere touted as, "The Mother of all Garage Sales!" The MOAGS was actually a bunch of people who decided to hold yard sales on the same day; a kind of Shit-We-Don't-Want-Mega-Lo-Mart.

I didn't visit any of them as I have recently moved in with my GF and we now have too much of our OWN shit we don't want, but at least I couldn't drive in my own neighborhood as every car was driving fucking 15mph so as not to zoom by a potential treasure. I doubt there were any original Monets or Tiffany lamps for two bucks. Instead, the offerings were almost certainly the standard, dirty, white-trash junk found at ordinary, run-of-the-mill shit sales every weekend.

That led me to think of all the marred, smelly, crap that people think someone else will want. You see it all the time at rummages and it is usually the same:

-VCR's. Like anyone who still watches VHS tapes is in need of a 34lb. 1985 top-load player.

-VHS Tapes. I know some folk actually collect these for kicks so I will give a partial pass as long as they arent home-recorded versions. Why do people try to sell shit they recorded themselves? "Look, Hunny, they have an episode of NOVA about black holes. Gotta have THIS for the library!"

-Happy Meal Toys. Yeah, these gems are hard to come by. When my boy was little these plastic booby traps were spread about the house just waiting to be stepped on in the middle of the night. I need a Little Mermaid flashlight with pointy tail. Who would buy these???

-Coffee Mugs. They usually have sayings like, "Worlds Greatest Grampa" or "Is It Friday Yet?" Like I don't have enough mismatched coffee cups already. They probably bought them at MY last yard sale.

-Sutffed Animals. Matted old carnival prizes that smell of stale cigarette smoke and urine. I will also lump in naked dolls. Every yard sale seems to have some old dolls, clothes missing. Many times they have been written on in ballpoint pen by some kid.

-Clothes. Likewise, smelling of smoke and icky, these are almost always lain on the front lawn on an old quilt. Aside from my underwear, I would never buy clothing at a yard sale.

-Christmas Crap. Old tree stands missing a screw, assorted color/size bulbs, tree skirts knitted by Aunt Betty.

-Candles. Dusty candles that have lost their fragrance.

-Cameras. Old, plastic, cheap cameras. My cell phone takes better stills than those pieces of crap.

There is more crap but you get the idea. I will end with 2 items that are not common but are surely worth note.

-Spices. I actually saw someone trying to sell old, half-empty cans of spices and Mrs. Dash. I need not comment; you share my revulsion.

-Porn. This person must have owned, or bought out an adult video store because they were selling hundreds of VHS and DVD's of hardcore porn! Hmmm...

Maybe there ARE treasures to be found afterall...