Sweet Christ in a Shopping Cart! What in the name of all that is holy have I done? And why is my dick still hard? These were only a few of the hundreds of terrified thoughts that ran through the fogginess of my pre-coffee mind. But no, I'm getting ahead of myself, and only a jackass would do that. Let me explain my uncontrollable outbursts before I start questioning my sexual preference.
Firstly, let me introduce Direct Connect to all that are unfamiliar with it:
If you would, I would like you to reach far back into your memory bank and pull out all the files you have stored on Napster.
Got them? Good, now burn them in the trash because Napster ruled until that faggot got sued and folded like a cheap suit to the Man.
I'll ask you to reach back again into your vast memory bank and pull out all the folders on Kazaa/Morpheus/WinMX/whatever the hell other bullshit you used after you realized Napster didn't work anymore. Got them?
Good, now you can rip them to shreds, burn them, and piss on the ashes because they are, for all intents and purposes, dead.
Now, Direct Connect is all you need to know. It's basically a file sharing network much like the aforementioned shit programs, only it actually works and is still free. Particularly popular on college campuses, dozens of universities across the nation are host to hundreds of students sharing files. And since the vast majority of the sharers are college-age students, when I say "files" I, of course, mean "porn."
Because lets be serious...Napster, Kazaa, Morpheus? These were not Music sharing entities - they were havens for creditcard-less teenagers across the globe who wanted - nay, needed - free porn on a regular basis.
Who needs to steal Penthouses from Quik-Stops when you can just type 4 simple letters into the search bar and get literally hundreds of movies and clips. And all for free!
To this day, I do not understand why the music industry has been getting such a ludicrous amount of coverage from this whole file-sharing nonsense. It is the PORN industry that is truly suffering. They are not losing 3-minute songs, they're losing 90 minute films. These things are works of ART, people, not that cooki- cutter, Britney Aguilera shit that the music industry pumps out.
But again, I'm going off on a tangent, and only a jackass would do that.
I'll reel myself back in with stating that the gross amount of results you get for searching "porn" tend to encompass all aspects of the adult movie genre.
For instance, you will get your classic "Brianna Banks Bangs Huge Black Cocks", while the next result will be some Friends episode about getting Free Porn. Unless there's some lost episode where Jennifer Anniston and Courtney Cox get naked and shove huge dildos in each others pussies, I don't want "Friends" in my results for porn.
Sadly, you'll also get what is the ying to the straight man's yang - namely - Gay Porn.
Just those two words juxtaposed bring about terrifying images of massive schlongs, gaping sphincters, guys with bigger muscles than me, and a lot of lisssssping.
Needless to say, I recently found the need for a little personal gratification, and embarked upon the tedious journey of finding and downloading a good porno. It was late, and I thought I had found a few good selections. I clicked download, and off to bed I went, dreaming of the wonderful masturbatory session that I would awake to the next day.
Well, after getting out of bed and rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I managed to stumble over to my computer and view the results of last night's download. Hmm...only 2 finished...the other worthless bastards must have signed off before my download could finish.
Honestly, is there no justice, no sense of karma? Can a man not have the common courtesy to allow another fellow male to download porn from his computer? What is this world coming to?
But enough of that, back to the porn.
I selected what seemed to be a good choice, a full movie entitled "Below the Belt."
Now there's a promising title, I thought to myself. "Below the Belt." Straight, and to the point. Oddly enough, as I opened the file and my trusty hand found its way under my mesh shorts, I found out it was a Karate Porn. How witty.
Basically, the opening scene was a bunch of dudes doing some bogus Karate moves. Fair enough, I thought. As the names flashed across the screen and the bad disco music played in the background, I started to polish up the old pewter rod, waiting in anticipation of some scantily clad Geisha or Female Instructor to waltz onto the scene.
After about 2 minutes of waiting and no female in sight, I decided to fast forward, so I skipped the next fifteen minutes.
Ah yes, it looks like I landed right in the middle of a sex scene. Beautiful. This Karate dude was doing this chick doggy style. The tugs on my Italian sausage became a little more fervent as scene continued to play.
I had a stiffy that any Viagra user would be proud of when the camera started to pan out.
As the shot slowly paneed out, certain questions started creeping into my sex-crazed head. Questions like:
Wait, why are her shoulders so broad?
Hey, isn't that chick's hair kind of short?
Hmm...wait a minute... HOLY FUCKING CHRIST, WHY DOES SHE HAVE A PENIS IN BETWEEN HER LEGS?!?!
I turned on the volume:
"Oh yeah Paul, shove that hard cock in my ass."
"Oh yeah Ronny, your ass is so tight around my dick."
It would be unnecessary to say that that's when it hit me, but - well, that's when it hit me.
Like a 13 inch black penis smacking against my face, I was dumbstruck with the magnitude of the situation.
Why was my dick still hard? I quickly smacked the damn thing a few times and my shaft quickly and shamefully retreated into the depths of my abdomen.
I walked around the rest of the day in a haze.
I had jerked off to gay porn.
Sweet Jesus - gay porn.
There's no way I'm getting into heaven now. No chance. UPS just arrived in hell and Satan just got the deed to my soul - airmailed from God Himself.