Things That Piss Me Off
Stupidity is a god-given right.
Some people abuse that right.
It's not even three O'Clock here yet and I've felt like slamming no less then five people's faces into the hood of my car. Lazy texting drivers, the cockbag who hit my passenger door with a cart at the grocery store, the motherfucking neighbour for blasting some piss-awful Poison song at 7:30 this morning causing my kid to wake up early (it wasn't even 'Talk Dirty To Me'! Who the fuck listens to ANY other Poison song except that one?!?) and a slew of other dicks who...well....just kinda looked dickish to me. With all the rage swirling through the ol' brain-basket, I've decided to rant about some of the shit that really gets my goat.
1) Bad Drivers: Having no skill behind the wheel is sometimes forgiveable. Having no skill and deciding to one-up your shitty motor vehicle operation by talking on a cellphone or texting really pisses me off. This morning I had a guy beside me in the other lane swirving because he was typing something on his phone. Bah!! Eyes on the prize, motherfuckers!
2) Inability To 'Read' A Situation: I fucking hate it when people don't know how to gague a situation and stop themselves from making an ass out of themselves for saying the completely wrong thing at the wrong time. If someone is talking about something sad, say....I don't know....suicide, maybe don't be a cock and make a little prissy dickhole comment about it. (Ya listening, iLIKEtoSAYpoop? Know what's appropriate, dicklip.)
3) Skippy Peanut Butter: Everyone knows JIF is the shit; why bother making any other brand? (Not really a piss off, but the store was out of JIF and I had to get Skippy. Stuff tastes like an anus smeared in peanut oil.)
4) Self-Centered Neighbours: Yeah, you own your own house: good for you. But there are certain things maybe you shouldn't do at certain hours that will piss off neighbours. Playing crappy music really loud so everyone can hear how much a a dick you are for listening to bad 80s hair-bands, cutting shit with a saw at 6:30 on a Saturday morning, or yelling swears at your kids so everyone can hear you probably isn't an event you want to partake in anytime before 9:00. (Lets entirely scrap that whole yelling at the kids one, while we're at it.) I know its not fair to tell someone what to do in the privacy of their own home, but at least have the decency to be a bad neighbour until I've had a chance to wake up.
5) Opinionated Fucks: Ironic I should use this as a piss-me-off, huh? Don't worry...it's not lost on me, either. But to the point: I hate hearing someone who has no fucking clue what they're talking about spout on and on about a subject just because they feel they need to weigh in on the situation. While we're at it, I also hate hearing about uninformed opinions from people who heard a movie star make a point, then decide that they "totally agree" with that opinion as well. "Well...if Ashton Kutcher thinks its wrong, it probably is. Yeah! Fuck that shit!" Just because someone famous thinks it doesn't make it right. In fact, totally disregard anything a celebrity says. Exception: John Stewart, Billy Crystal, Bill Cosby, Richard Dean-Fuckin'-Anderson. (He was MacGyver; one assumes he knows his shit.)
6) The Guy Who Works At The Corner Store: This one can be ambigious, because ALL guys who work at your local corner stores are assholes. I think its a requirement for hiring them or something. He always gets the total wrong, takes forever making change, can never find your brand of cigarettes, and always has a creepy little smile on his face when he thinks you're going to buy a cup of the in-house coffee. (I assume the piss-to-coffee ratio is off the scale, so I rarely buy one there.) He'll also feel the need to comment on the shit you're buying and try to relate the items into a story. "Okay....gum, cigarettes, toilet paper and an Abba Zabba. You know, this reminds me of that camping trip I once took with my Uncle Leroy...." NO IT FUCKING DOESN'T! Just put my shit in a bag and leave the creepy molester uncle stories for another customer, you Motorhead T-Shirt wearing fucktard! I have never...not once...been pissed off with a female convience store worker. They always engage pleasant conversation, get the change right, know the location of the smokes, and never EVER have a story that suits your purchases. Ring ring...off you go. It's only ever the guys who are the assholes. Odd.
Alright, that's enough for now. I'm starting to look like an asshole or a nut case...or both....so I'll end it here. It's just a short list of the things that make me want to ram my fist through a homeless guy's skull or punch a puppy or something.
Thanks for not thinking I'm insane,
-The Big Bad