How Sheza Spent Her Summer Vacation
Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Step right up! Come and enjoy the one of a kind theme park experience: DIVORCELAND!!!!
You've probably heard of our signature roller coaster: THE MINDFUCK! Just when you think it's going up, you're dropped head first into a freefall. When you expect to plummet, you twist sideways. The only sure bet on THE MINDFUCK is an agonizing sense of helplessness. You may literally go crazy from all the unexpected thrills of this DIVORCELAND giant.
Our other popular attractions include:
-THE GHOSTS OF GOOD TIMES PAST HOUSE, a scenic journey through once comforting situations that will have you relaxed and even nostalgic, at least until your ex pops up with a stunningly beautiful date. It's a hair ripping good time!
-HEARTSTRING BUNGEE JUMPING
-and THE FIGHT SIMULATOR. A team of professional spin artists was formed (many of them directly out of the Bush administration) to help us craft a lifelike interpretation of your most painful memories. In these simulations, you will notice that even the most heinous of assaults (verbal, physical, what have you) are completely and entirely your fault. And just wait until you see what they can do with the occasions you actually did fuck up. This attraction is not for the faint of heart.
We also feature a waterpark where you can get hosed publicly in a variety of ways. Directly adjacent is our mud pit, so be sure to bring along your good name so it can be drug through it!
AND if you get sick from the rides, you can always enjoy our fine array of thrilling games like:
-WHO'S THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE: You'll be surprised at how badly you want to win this one.
-WEB OF LIES: If you can manage to unravel it, all sorts of glorious prizes await!
Got kids? Bring 'em along! They will love our bounce houses. We have arranged these specially so that your kids can bounce from house to house amid the dulcet tones of your in-laws bashing you.
Be sure to grab a front row seat for our daily PARADE OF LOSERS WHO WANT TO DATE YOU. All your favorite characters are present: Mr. Halitosis, Mr. Indecent Exposure, Mr. Dull-as-Dishwater, Mr. Anger Issues, and Pothead McWelfare. Don't worry fellas, Ms. Clingy, Ms. Mastercharge, Ms. Oddshape, and Ms. Babydaddy will be there too.
Be sure to pick up an official DIVORCELAND Cloak of Failure at the gift shop before you leave!
Tickets start out around $3500 and just go up from there, depending on which hurtful upgrades you select. A popular option, The Involuntary Deadbeat Deluxe will remove your children from your life on every meaningful level WHILE ensuring that your ex reserves the right to bitch about what a piece of shit parent you are. Many gentlemen go for the Castration Supreme Package. This is the top of the line. Not only do you lose your home, property, vehicle, children, family heirlooms, and dignity, your BALLS are cut off and mailed to you USPS in a manilla envelope. For the ladies, we offer the equivalent Sad-n-Saggy Club Premium Membership. This includes your choice of invisibility or a reputation that precedes you, all the emotional baggage you can carry, and a paralyzing fear that you will die alone. It also comes with your choice of seven feral cats or an ill fitting wardrobe of clothing designed for preteens.
Remember that the holidays are fast approaching. Do you really want to spend them with people who love you? A trip to DIVORCELAND makes a wonderful surprise!
But whether you are sandbagged into our park or you meticulously plan your trip, one thing's for sure: You'll never forget it!