Well well....long time since I've had the will to write. Work has been balls-crazy; I guess society is crumbling at a faster rate than I thought it would. Bad for the neighbourhoods; good for my pocket. But on to the blog!
I was verbally put in my place today by some fuckin' 13 year old badass who, under any other situation, would have received a high-five from me. Here's what happened:
I had to respond to this shit-ass house where some douche neighbour had made a complaint about the shit-ass-house-owner and the amount of shit on her lawn. Trash in bags, trash not in bags, three or four bicycles without any wheels (yeah....they're not stolen), a pile of discarded junk and dog shit as far as the eye can see. To make matters worse, the overgrown weeds were as high as my knees, making everything look like a semi-buried treasure trove of useless items. I had the delightful duty of wading through the mess to inform the owner that all that shit had to be cleaned and removed.
I rang the bell and after about a two minute wait a very large, very unimpressed looking woman answered the door. She looked like three sheets of death, stank of piss and booze, and had one of those "don't fuck with me" squinty, Popeye-type scowls. "Whaddaya what?" she yelled through the screen door. I informed her of the complaint of her property, the health hazards and codes she was violating, and 'asked' her to have it cleaned in a 24-hour time frame. There were a few noise complaints scattered it the list of things, but I figured that could be dealt with later.
The Creature That Time Forgot all of a sudden starts screaming....not at me, but at any neighbour that was within earshot. "Fuck you'ze punk-ass fuckas! It's my property! I'll do as I want!"....shit like that. I informed her of the legalities of keeping a tidy, disease-free, lawn and informed her of her responsibility as a homeowner and a neighbour to keep it to a minimum level of cleanliness. I then told her of the reprocussions of not doing so. Half-way through running my list of "must-do" items to her, he punk-ass little son comes flying up the driveway in a skateboard to see what the problem was.
This little turd looked like a perfect example of the phrase "product of your environment". Greased hair, dirty pants, some fucking asshat band shirt of some rapper (who I assume sucks) and an attitude to rival his mum's. He asked what was going on, his mum said "this ass" (ME!!) was making them clean the yard or else they'd be sued. (I never said that.) The little clown looks at me and starts listing off insults...all very low-level, but still. The nerve! No fear in these kids anymore.
My job done, I issued the proper paperwork, informed her AGAIN of her obligation to get the lawn into a normal state, and decided to take my leave. As I was walking down the driveway, the 13 year old kid yells at me one of the greatest, most clever insults I've ever had directed at me.
"You think you're hot shit, but you're just cold diarrhea!"
I turned back and tried to contain the smile, but couldn't. I laughed (quite loudly) at the comment. "W-what?!" I managed to get out. He repeated it, making me laugh even harder. The kid actually burned me a good one! I was torn between a verbal repremand of the lad and going over and giving him a high-five for creativity Brilliant! I think I was most shocked at the fact that this otherwise waste on society managed to toss out such a well thought insult....maybe there's hope for him afterward.
....or I'll ticket him for not wearing the proper equipment on his skateboard next time I see him. (Either / or.)
Yup....so that was my moment of funny today. Little piss-ant kid got me good.
Thanks for reading,
-The Big Bad