I wish Google Maps had an "avoid ghetto" option
Nothing sucks more than that moment in an argument when you realize you're wrong.
I don't understand the purpose of the line "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter.
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from whic you came, you have to first do something like check you watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no noe in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
That's enough, Nickelback.
Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Kids today are soft.
There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
I would rather carry 10 plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips carrying my groceries in from the car.
I think that part of a best friends job should be to immediatly clear your computer history if you die.
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
A recent study showed that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu... Yeah if you suck at it.
Was learning cursive really necessary?
LOL has gone from meaning "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing left to say"
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredome and hunger.
Answering the same letter three or more times in a row on a scantron is absoutly terrifying to me.
My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you and you hate us." Classy bro.
Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, I'm street smart" all I hear is "I'm not real smart, I'm imaginary smart."
How many times is it appropriate to say "what?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent some a-hole from cutting in at the front of traffic. Stay Strong, Brothers!
What would happen if I hired to private investigators to follow each other?
While driving yesterday, I saw a banana peel in the road and swerved instinctively to miss it... Thanks Mario Kart.
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5... I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
I find it hard to believe that there are actually people who get in the shower, then turn on the water.
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, you can wear them forever.
I would like to officiall coin the phrase "catching the swine flu" to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with a fat girl.
Bad decesions make good stories.
Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier and sluttier every year?
If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their kid would probably be invisible.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I learned from some light internet stalking.
I like all the music in my iTunes library, except when it's on shuffel, then I only like every 15 songs.
Why is a school zone 20MPH? That seems like optimal crusing speed for pedophiles.
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 or 4 times in a row and still not know what time it is.
It should probably be called UnPlanned Parenthood.
I keep some people's numbers in my phone just so I know when not to answer.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their keys in their pockets hitting the G spot, and pinning the tale on the donkey... But bet your ass that everyone can find the snooze button from 3 feet away in 1.8 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
I wonder if cops get pissed off that everybody they drive behind drives the speed limit.
I disagree with Kay Jewlers. I'm willing to bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with bud lights that with Kay.
My son asked me the other day while we were in the car, "Daddy, what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?