You assholes clearly have no idea what you're talking about when you're jumping on the "It's cool to hate on Obama" Bandwagon. All of you naysayers were slobbering all over Obama's nuts when he was in the primaries, and now that people have taken off their rose-colored glasses, you decide to fall in line and pretend like you knew that he was going to bring this country to hell in a handbasket.

WELL FUCK YOU

Obama is the bestest president there ever was.

One time, Obama climbed up to the top of a Redwood to save my Aunt Flo's cat named Mitsy. Not only did he save Mitsy, his very presence in the Redwood forest turned the entire area into a national preserve. My Aunt Flo was so happy that Mitsy had been saved that she decided to allow Obama to assist her with her suicide. What we didn't know, however, was that Obama also single-handedly figured out how to reuse her body as a clean, efficient, and renewable energy source to power Mitsy's litterbox and the surrounding neighborhood for 17 years.

Christ, she loved that fucking cat.

One time I was at an Ozzy Osbourne concert where Ozzy bit the head off a bat. Not to be outdone, Obama bit the head off a Siberian tiger. To Obama's defense, he DID say that the tiger was "getting all up in his grill". Not sure what that means since I don't listen to Hip-Hop, but I'm fairly certain he was telling me that if I didn't stop staring that he would break me in half with little more than a hard stare.

Granted, I think Obama's stance on abortion is completely misguided. Don't get me wrong, I really do enjoy the idea of killing unwanted babies, it's just the thought of letting women make a decision doesn't sit well with me.

As a side note, how cool is it that we have a president who can blow bubbles with a porterhouse steak?

In any case, I really can't sit idly by anymore while you people are calling for Obama to be impeached. He makes colors brighter and our food tastier. He is solely responsible for building Michael Phelps out of a handful of paper clips and a balloon animal. I'm sure that any man who can moisturize his skin with a belt sander is capable of successfully reforming our health care infrastructure.

He's only been in office for less than a year and people are already calling for his head. It's a shame, too, because with all of these distractions that Obama has from his poor ratings and Fox News, he hasn't been able to find the time to chew his way through the Earth's core and into Bin Laden's hideout in the mountains of Afghanistan.

Fuck you guys. You're all just jealous because Obama gets all the bitches.