Wallsheep NewsHour 111209
Good evening, eBaums, it is I: WALLSHEEP. Telling the Herd what they heard since... well shit it's only been a couple weeks now, but since when does that impress anybody anyway?
Tonight's top story: It's been two days now that the DC Sniper has been dead, and the world still is glad he's gone. Rumours that he is now engaged in homosexual affairs with Satan are unconfirmed, but hilarious nonetheless.
In a related story, we'll all be just as glad when the Ft. Hood asshole gets his too. Vote WALLSHEEP 2012 and we'll bring back Scaphism, just for him!
In science news, CBear47 recently addressed concerns raised by Starkweather regarding simultaneous flatuence and passing gas. However, further research by Hypocrat Scientists have found that both burping and farting are the leading cause of Global Climate Warming Shift or Maybe Some Cooling but Really the Worst Part is the Sudden Precipitation Realignment (aka the Baloney Theorem).
This has led to the signing of a special international treaty that promises to cut burps and farts by 40% in coming years. President OBAAAAAma is discouraged by the Chinese government's refusal to enter into this agreement, seeing as their nasty food results in 38% of methane emissions, according to WALLSHEEP estimates.
Fortunately, a company owned by Hypocrat Party Supporters has come out with a new way to siphon off your money by making new, improved Beano-type products that are hereby to be required by the New Health Care Billarooney and available only by prescription. They promise that the fact they make your feces radioactive won't come back to haunt us worse than even Hollywood-style dramatizations of what the Baloney Theorem actually predicts.
We'll be back after this word from our sponsors.
Hey everybody! Is Yakov Shmirnoff. I just find new cousin from former Taliban-led Afghanistan, his name Abdullah Muhammed Shmirnoff! I take this time to introduce his new album, "In Taliban-led Afghanistan..." Here is some clips:
In America, you have women parading around in underwear for your amusement. In Taliban-led Afghanistan, they stoned my sister for baring her nose once to sneeze! Then they raped her.
In America, you have "In God We Trust" written on the money. In Taliban-led Afghanistan, we have "In Allah We Trust" written on EVERYTHING.
So, you are roffleing as we are speaking to you yes? Please call number on screen bottom and get your copy for only 5 cents (times four thousand daily payments).
Plus Handle fee with Shippings.
In local news, a rash of n00bs in the blog section has caused quite the nastiness. Some unemployed guy named Itownred complained about spelling, causing several longstanding bloggers to razz him unmercilessly.
Dildozer, an occasional blogger of depressingly morbid and cataclismic topics, brought a feature tard fight to the blogs. This will certainly only serve to create more shit blogs than you can shake a stick at. A REALLY REALLY BIG stick. Bloggers have posted SJG and Sheza at the forefront, because we're scared of BOTH those chicks, and so should the Feature Tards.
In the interest of Journalistic Objectivity, apparently Dildozer got smeared by some people who put SHADES on their avatars and he got all butt-hurt and crap. So much for the violent revolution, huh, buddy?
A lawsuit has been brought by the ACLU, the NAACP, the NCAA, the local KFC, and NAMBLA on behalf of CBear47 because Dr. Gorgeous uses the name "Charlie" for the foil to all his revenge blogs. "It is clearly a case of discrimination based on name," said ACLU attorney Jack Indabock. "It is time we eradicated all humor that might insult anyone at any time." NAMBLA attorney Tony Deferi, of Sheepfucker, West Virginia, added, "And enough with the pedophile jokes too. They hurt my butt, and not in the good way my daddy always used to."
Where Are They Now? Recently SJG queried whence shall come another Dirty Sanchez Blog? So WALLSHEEP investigators tracked him down to the trailer park he lives in as a homeless bum, and he had the following statement:
I like to play with my pee-pee while looking at pictures of insects. They make my junk tingle and they eat my poo for me. Can I hump your leg?
As it turns out, Coca Cola Zero's Facial Profiler has confirmed that Dirty is, in fact, as ugly as Sin
dicate, and they are both 92% matches with the Crypt Keeper.
Sports, after this word.
QuickHit Football is going to break out of Beta eventually, and if you live that long, you'll be able to say you were there when a game less interesting and less realistic than Madden 95 was in Beta. Of course by then, the Earth may only be a speck of charred matter after the sun goes supernova. But, ignore all the holes in our AI and graphics, and pretend really hard (like when you went to Peter Pan and had to save Tinkerbell!) and maybe, just maybe, it won't seem like shit. Drinking heavily helps. SIGN UP NOW!
The NFL is still abuzzas the Steelers held on for a last-second victory over the Bengals at Heinz field, on November 15, 2009. Despite over 400 penalty yards, and the indefinite suspension of WR Chad NumeroDos for flagrantly wearing his socks 1/8 inch too high, the Bengals were in position to win with a late field goal when Referee Walt Coleman (the same dick that fucked up the Philly/Dallas game last week) climbed a ladder to block it from going through.
Also, Steelers WR Hines Ward was commended by the league and given a $10,000 bonus for beating Bengals QB Carson Palmer senseless with a baseball bat before the game. Because, well, really, who wants the Bengals in the Super Bowl again? Seriously. That never ends well.
Finally, tonight, WALLSHEEP wants to speak to you from his heart. Unfortunately his lips are on his head, so that will just have to wait for science to catch up to his brilliance. Lord OBAAAAma, hear my cries and amend that bill some more. Soon enough, it'll be thicker than War and Peace! SCORE!!!