i live in southern california, so in my younger years, it wasnt uncommon to find me and a group of friends south of the border. down there age isnt an issue as long as youre tall enough to reach up and slap the money down on the bar when paying for your drinks. couple that with a myriad of titty bars with insanely hot women with seriously loose morals, and you have yourself a teenage wet dream come true.

this is especially true of tijuana. its a shithole of a city just south of san diego whos economy thrives off titty bars, pharmacies, leather goods, and those little shitty shotglasses with the clay bare assed mexican climbing over the lip. tijuana titty bars are better than most towns because the hottest and sluttiest of all girls flock from all over south america to work there. ive met strippers that were anywhere from columbia to a few from the us. now dont get me wrong, tijuana is a dangerous place if youre not careful. everyone and everything is a hustle meant to get your hard earned money.

in fact, you can pretty much count on getting screwed in any deal you make with any mexican over the age of 5. from the young ones that pretend to want to sell you 'chicle' only to get in close and give you a shot to the balls while stealing your wallet all in one deft move, to the pretty mexican dancers that pretend not to speak english only to hustle you for drinks. mexico has something to offer everyone. whether it be straight titty bars, tranny hookers, or the legendary donkey show (been there. you aint seen creepy til youve seen a mexican hooker blowing a donkey thats wearing a sombrero, poncho, and cowboy boots). ive been to tj many times however one time stands out in my mind. it was the time i woke up in a tj jail cell having been arrested for male prostitution...

we got into tj that afternoon and immediatley started hitting the titty bars. drink after drink, lapdance after lapdance, good times were being had by all. the next bar on our stop was a dark, dank little place that smelled of cheap beer, cheap perfume, and sweaty stripper ass. definetely my kind of place! so we sit down at a table surrounding the stage and order a beer. just then the music started and out onto the stage came the oldest, nastiest, skeeziest stripper i have ever seen. she began her show and we paid her no attention. just then as she was walking by me on the stage, she reached down and grabbed my hat and put it on her head. being my favorite hat i was infuriated.

i immediately jumped on stage and demanded my hat back only to be answered with " you give a me dolla. you give a me dolla". i insisted no dollar and again demanded my hat. she gave me a look of disgust and began to turn away. i took a step back only to realize id stepped off the stage and began to fall back. with lightning quick reflexes the stripper reached down and grabbed me by the balls and again demanded her dollar. now when someone grabs you by the goods, it always hurts. now amplify that pain with your sack being punctured with cheap lee press on stripper nails, and the fact that while falling back the girl had caught me and now my full weight was being supported by my nuts while i teetered on the edge of the stage. yeah, it sucked...

the dancer pulled me back to relative safety and in the midst of the extreme pain and the still money demanding stripper i made a split second decision, grabbed my hat off her head and made a bee line for the end of the stage toward the front door. no sooner had i made it 10 feet than i fell victim to a soccer tackle by said stripper that would have rivaled david beckham. i was instantly taken off my feet and swiftly landed flat on my ass with my head pinned between the strippers legs in a figure 4 choke. with the dancer still demanding her dollar i screamed for my friends only to see them in various parts of the club commiting various carnal sins with other strippers. my only saving grace was the dancers thighs were so greasy from cheap lotion, i quickly slipped my head out from between her legs and ran like hell out the door.

apparently amidst the commotion, management had called the federales. now remember what i told you about any mexican over the age of 5? well federales are at the top of that ass fucking food chain. they make shit money, have lots of attitude, lots of power, and are extremely corrupt. so there i am drunker than shit standing handcuffed up against a mexican patrol car (a pulsar with no windows of all things), with federales threatening to throw me in jail if i dont pay them. the details get a little hazy after that but what i do remember next was being booked for male prostitution and sent to tijuanas county jail.