now jails in mexico are nothing like going to jail in the us. first of all, theres no plumbing or running water. thats right, you piss and shit in a bucket that they come clean out every few days. second, theirs no such thing as a private cell. as in, youre in a cell with 50 other mexicans while youre being processed, only to go into a cell with 50 other mexicans and one bucket. now the thing about mexico is that drugs are extremely illegal. as in, you get caught, you go to jail: FOREVER. so in this holding cell all the mexicans are trying to do whatever drugs they have so they dont get found while being searched in processing. imagine a packed room full of people sharing needles, smoking crack and doing whatever else they have on them. couple that with the fact that people that are seriously psychologically disturbed arent seperated from the general population. yeah.... good times...

one guy in particular i saw stripped himself completely naked only to reveal a cute little beaded anklet he was wearing. i thought to myself " wow, what a fag. hope we dont bunk together" only to see him rip the anklet off and put it in a spoon to melt and inject it. turns out it wasnt a faggy anklet. it was crack rock strung on fishing line. he proceeded to pass the needle around to the majority of the guys in our little impromptu drug commune. my friends and i stood back to back in the corner for fear of being stuck with a needle. fast forward hours later and we had been processed and were trying to sleep cozily on our concrete slabs in our overcrowded cells with our overflowing poo bucket. good times...

one of the worst things about jail in mexico (besides the no running water and fear youre never gonna go home again) is the locals. they do not like americans. they think we exploit their country, drink their booze, and sodomize their women (guilty). in jail its even worse because they outnumber you and you have nowhere to run. thankfully none of them are usually over 5'5" and about 150 lbs. in one particular instance, one of them in the next cell thought it was funny to throw a cup of water in my face. now im not a man that goes looking for fights. but i am a man that will stand my ground no matter what. unfortunately, he was in the next cell and there by out of my reach. i had to get creative.

so as the entire block was laughing their asses off at my expense, i mosied on over to our overflowing poo bucket. i grabbed one of the stale tortillas the guards had tried to feed us ( rock hard and completely inedible), scooped up the gooiest turd i could find, and headed to the wall that seperated mine and my nemesis' cells. i gently called him over and when he got close enough and said " whadda you wan gringo?", i lobbed that turd tortilla around the wall and immediatley heard a splat. an oddly familiar splat. the kind of splat a cheek makes when you get hit in the face with a pie. dead silence ensued until finally in a shrill scream my nemesis pronounced " este caca! este caca!", and the whole block erupted into a roar of laughter. i had single handedly defeated my nemesis with a turd tortilla. the rest of the night i kept entertained by a crazy mexican guy that, in an escape attempt, got his head stuck between the bars and couldnt get out.

 i had stood my ground and the next day was released and immediatley did what any self respecting man would do after servin hard time in da yard, i hit the titty bars again and got drunk as hell. i made it home without incident and, as a souvenir, i still have my release paperwork for the prostitution arrest. i got it framed. maybe ill take a picture and post it.

if youve learned anything from this it should e that if a skeezy mexican stripper takes your hat, let her have it lest you be caught in a luchadero choke hold on the stage of a scuzzy mexican titty bar. oh and nobody fucks with a guy that fights with poo