One of my favorite groups (to mock), PETA, recently voiced their concern and unrest over one of the country's (America, that is) most observed holidays, Groundhogs Day.

A spokesdouche for the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, Gemma Vaughan, stated that "tradition is no excuse for cruelty," and that the furry little critter may "become stressed when they are exposed to large, screaming crowds."

Well, the way I see it, the playful, pudgy Punxsutawney Phil is a celebrity, whose misguided yearly appearance has given Americans a false sense of hope to carry with them through the remainder of these cold winter days (or weeks), and you want to take that away from us?

I admire the Inner Circle of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club president, Bill Deely's satirical retort, which stated that the porky phella is "being treated better than the average child in PA."

So what I ask of you, Ms. Vaughan, is that while your children are eating lead paint chips and playing with staple guns, do you think it is of any use at all to spearhead the campaign of replacing a pampered groundhog with a fucking robot? I'm only arguing a point because I have the day off, but you make a living out of this bullshit. You then claim that in lieu of an animal, the 'bot would provide the town with a "futuristic, interactive, versatile - " wait, futuristic? So, is this machine going to shoot lasers out of is ass, take down bad guys, and disarm bombs too? Why don't you design a prototype of your new robot friend with your other malnourished friends of your silly club. You may need to purchase a drafting board, and put an addition on your treehouse where you convene everytime an animal farts. 

So I ask you, eBaums fans and foes alike, what do you think of a robot changing the seasons and shooting holes in walls with its dick phaser? And why is PETA still around, and who other than al-Quaeda is funding their campaign to create androids that will overtake people and enslave the world?