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My Daring Escape

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After 3 long months of nothing to look at but adult movies staring wallboy, I was just patiently waiting for the sweet release of death.  There was no food around me (except for the carrot sticks and salads I was brutally tortured with.) Wallboy would sit infront of me eating buckets of KFC and laughing in my face, while Lord_Infamous would blow exaust at me from his tail pipe.  The entire time, I heard Tyaeda's voice echoing in my head.  "Lard, where are you Lard; speak to me my big blob of blubbery love!"  I figured I was done for, and it would be the closest thing I would have to a last conversation with my little chicken wing, so I spoke back my delusion "I'm in a warehouse filled with wallboy porn.  No junk food for weeks.  Think I'm gonna die.  "Shut the fuck up fatty",  said wallboy as he was banging his hooker beside me, "I'm tryin to get laid here!"

 

"I won't let that happen!, said the voice, I got help, and I think we're closing in on your position!"  "Please, please hurry."  I muttered.  Wallboy stopped fucking his night time lady and gave me the look of death.  "I've had enough of this shit!!" he screamed , as he got off his hooker, grabbed a sawed off shotgun, and aimed it at my head.  "I shoulda done this ages ago", he smirked, as I sat there hoping the voice was real "kiss that beached whale ass goodbye!"

 

*****BANG!*****

 

I opened my eyes and saw no blood;  Instead I saw Wallboy with his jaw dropped "What the fuck!?"  I looked over to see a large armored van with usedcarman at the wheel. "It's go time mutha fucka!" he yelled as the van barreled toward us and t-boned Lord_Infamous sending him barrel rolling to the other end of the warehouse.  Tyaeda jumped out of the van to untie me as usedcarman wrestled with Wallboy.  "How did you find me?"  I asked.  "Remember when you gave me some of your nacho cheese blood to cure me?", she replied, "Since that day, our minds have been linked.  I was hoping you could hear my thoughts, and you did!  Now come on, lets get you home, so I can jump into those folds of fun!"  Suddenly.  Wallboy's hooker body ckecked her to the ground.  

 

Tyaeda stared in fear, as this hooker's face seemed disfigured as though she were possessed by a dark force.  She pulled out a revolver and was about to snuff out the love of my life when a shot rang from the van knocking the gun from the woman's hand!  Someone emerged from the passenger side holding a double barrel remington shotgun.  "Yo shebitch, lets go!"  This man was nothing like I've ever seen before; a shotgun in one hand, what seemed like a chainsaw for his other hand and a mean sneer on his face that would make anyone shit themsef.  Another shot from his boomstick blew the hooker's head clean from her shoulders.  "Who are you?"  I asked in awe.   "Name's Big_Bad, I'm here to help" he replied

 

All seemed well until we turned to see  wallboy holding a live grenade in his hand.  "For this arrogence, I shall see you all dead"  "I don't think so", said Big_Bad, "Get the scooter!"  he yelled to the van.  out of the back came white chocolate on the most pimped out fat guy scooter I have ever seen!  turret guns on either side a colbalt blue steel blade on the front and an engine powerful enough to run a NASA shuttle.  As WC got off, I jumped on, sped towards Wallboy and impaled him.  the grenade fell to the ground.  For a momment, everyone froze.  There was only one thing I could think of doing.  I grabbed the explosive and swallowed it down.  Seconds lated there was a boom sound in my gut, followed by a fart so hot it melted what was left of Lord_Infamous.

 

UCM, WC, and Big_Bad all went to Tim Hortons for a victory large double-double ad Tyaeda and I zoomed home on what I now call fatguy scooter2.0 for some fried chicken and lovin!

lard_infamous Uploaded 02/01/2010
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