Today was different than most days. I woke up feeling good and brushed my teeth. The birds were singing and I was not menstruating. I made the usual breakfast with ham and stuff and I took a shit while I ate. My dog wanted to go out and I let him outside. He had a bologna string hanging out of his ass but I just left it there. I figured he would eat it later.
My dog is a mut meaning I do not know what breed it is. I don't care either and I hope the fucking thing gets ran over by a truck. After shitting I took what was left breakfast outside to eat on the steps in front of the door. There was a big fat black woman outside showing more skin than I appreciated and I just sat there and ate hoping she wouldn't speak. She had two little kids and they didn't have shoes on. They were walking in trash. Trash that the god damn mut had strewn all over the lawn. But as they say here in the apartments. "A Mexican will clean it up."
All of a sudden one of the little bastards let out a yelp! I was hoping that the fucking useless dog had gotten ran over but no such luck. One of the kids had stepped in broken glass from the bottles I threw out when I came home last night. I laughed to myself and went back inside to put my plate away. I turned on the oven and opened the door to feel the heat so I couldÂ masturbate. I turned on the 700 club and pat Robinson was on.Â I turned up the volume until it became loud and distorted. Sat in the floor of my kitchenÂ and proceeded to fuck myself. I was having a good time!
Out of nowhere a loud knock comes at my door. It seemed like it may be the police but maybe they were competing with my spirituality. I needed to cover myself so I decided to be creative. I made myself a tin foil speedo. I clenched the foil around my balls and it pinched a little. It was a sensation to say the least and I could tell that my day was getting better and better. The knocking at the door had become more intense so I decided to answer. I opened the door to find a woman appearing in her late 40's about 290 pounds and a little more than 5 feet. She looked like she could really sport a moo moo and my foil had started to make a crinkle sound.
What are you doing? Oh, I am sorry! She said as she tried to free herself from the situation. As she was turning to leave I asked her, what do you want? She told me how she was new regional manager of our apartments and I pretended to give a fuck. She said that there had been complaints from the neighbors about my being noisy. I looked at her intently as I stuck my finger in my butthole through a hole in the foil. Well what do you suppose we are going to do about this? I said.
As I invited her into my one bedroom apt, I noticed she looked hungry. Not just any hungry though. The kind of appetite that comes from years of gluttony and abuse. The emotional eating led on by endless nights and day time tv. I was going to get my dick sucked and she didn't even know it yet. You want some spegetti? I asked. I could tell she did because the fat on her neck twitched a bit when she asked, "Why arent you wearing any pants?". I was a bit taken by the question so I went to the bathroom to think about it. Looking down I had noticed I forgot to flush. I looked at my feces and it had corn in it. I pictured the same piece of corn being trapped in a bundle of hair near her butthole. A dry piece of corn stuck to a small peice of shit in her ass. I was exuberant!
I walked out of the bathroom and noticed her trying to turn the television down. "Why the fuck are you touching my television?" I asked when I ran to to grab her and stop her from violating my personal space. She screamed "Dont touch me" and we kind of half wrestled away from each other. That was about the time I noticed my speedo had fallen off. She gasped breifly while looking at my penis which was now semi erect thanks to our little bout over the television. "Look I am going to have you out of here', she said as she propped her hand on her thunder thigh. She started going on about the rent and missing children. I just couldn't help my self. I was taken in by the new found cacophony in my apt. The tv blaring, her bitching,and the open oven. It was like the planets had lined up and I was front and center to masturbate. I did what came natural and started jacking off as she went on her tirade about responsible people and paying the bills. Finally she saw who was going toÂ win this battle as I orgasmed on the floor. And as with most perfect moments the dog ran in the half open door and started eating the fruits of my labor. She ran off in a hurry and said something about the police. Funny though. I never got her name.