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Wipe Your Butt with $100

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So Tiger woods agreed to give Elin $750 mil. *ugdork whistles a man-oh-mannn whistel*

Some people speculate that the unheard of amount was hush money; that Elin knows some dirty details about the golfer, but I'm thinking we already know he liked to bang the skank-holes. What could be worse? DId Tiger fancy the gents as well? Did he have slumber parties with Webster?

Others say he paid to keep Elin from moving out of country with the kids. We know how he values his kids. He would never do ANYTHING to risk losing them...oh...wait...

Whatever the reason, that's a lot of money. I could live quite well for the rest of my life on only two THIRDS of that! Shit, I could give Greece a stimulus package that would save their asses. Crap, I did not just use package, stimulus, ass, and Greek in the same sentence did I?

I was musing that with that kind of money one could use hundred dollar bills for toilet paper and still live comfortably. I don't know how comfortable their BUTTS would be but I was pretty sure you could wipe every poopie for life and still have plenty of Franklins left to keep up the lifestyle.

So I did the math. That's $250 million each to wife and kids. Figure two number twos per day. (Sometimes more, like on Taco Tuesday's, sometimes less like after the cheese tasting in Tilamook) Based on the consistency of ugdork poop, I know that one could not get a clean wipe from a SINGLE C-note so I allotted them $300 each per deuce. With 365 days per year that means their money will last for 1,141 years. I didn't factor in leap years or living expenses. I figure the interest will cover that.

I decided to allot my own money and use it as butt wipe but how do you remove a cling-on with a penny? Any ass experts out there? Oh yeah... the GREEKS!!!

ugdork Uploaded 07/03/2010
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