Reasons I'm Voting Democratic This November
1.) I don't hate myself enough for daring to be white, male, educated, heterosexual, and middle class.
2.) I want to assume absolutely no personal responsiblity for my actions.
3.) I believe that if I don't have enough money, the solution is for the government to take more of my money.
4.) I believe that the ideal family is two homosexual women raising a baby. Love and compassion is all it takes to make a successful family! Men should have no part in it, aside from supplying all of the money needed.
5.) I'm not an individual. I'm a race, a gender, a lack of religion, or a sexual orientation.
6.) I have a right to my body and I'll do whatever I want with it - excepting, of course, doing things like eating suger, caffeine, and salt - the government should ban those substances.
7.) I believe that English has no place being the official language of the United States.
8.) I believe that psychotic dictators like Amadinejad and Jong-Ill will listen to reason if I just talk to them instead of backing up my words with actions. Maybe I'll buy them a beer.
9.) I understand that we need to make illegal immigrants feel more at home by learning to speak Spanish.
10.) I believe we should assist illegal immigrants by handing them welcome brochures that detail where to get government services and free Ipods.
11.) I find it offensive to have a picture of Jesus within 100 miles of me. Ramadan decorations, however, are perfectly acceptable.
12.) I believe that diversity is our strength, so let's build more mosques and put up Islamic recruiting posters in our subways.
13.) I understand that supporting a work-capable person on welfare for fifty years is noble.
14.) I believe I need the permission of another country's government to turn down my thermostat.
15.) I care about the real victims of crime - criminals.
16.) I understand that the real cure for racism is preferential policies based on race - particularly in presidential voting. If you believe that a candidate ought to be qualified, and not just black, then you're worse than Hitler.
17.) I believe everyone is entitled to crappy healthcare. It doesn't matter if you have to wait years for that life-saving cancer surgery. If the government feels you deserve the treatment, you'll get it.
18.) I believe in minority rights (except in Muslim countries), free speech (except when the speech is directed against liberals), environmentalism (except when we're talking about Al Gore's house) and diplomacy (but never backed up with action).
19.) Socialism needs another chance. It's only failed everywhere else it's been tried because we haven't tried it get.
20.) I believe that America's founding fathers were rich, white, greedy xenophobes, and that the Constitution requires periodic editing from an unelected group of liberal judges.
21.) Because disagreeing with a black man is racism.
22.) I know that all of the history books were writitten by fascists with agendas. Americans have terrorized every country they have ever set foot in.
23.) I know that successful entrepreneurs either oppressed a minority or were lucky, and don't deserve their financial success.
24.) I want the world to know that I want a weak America, just like Europe does.
25.) I realize that I can't be trusted to carry a firearm.