Why your Pizza Delivery Guy Hates You
Hello fellow Ebaumers. I haven't been on in awhile and it seems that whenever I write a blog I say I'll be back just like when the baby daddy say he'll pay the child support, I'm always lying. So I'll say it again but please don't get too excited and if you were planning on just ending it all...just go ahead and do it. Please make it neat, no one wants to have to clean up that shit and you don't want Fido to make you into a tasty snack.
Yes everyone, cute little Fluffers will treat you like Kibbles N' Bits the second you see the light.
Back to what I originally meant to say. I've taken a lot of jobs in my day and my most recent is surprisingly the most lucrative. I'm now a .....drumroll....no I don't want a drumroll from the fucking drummer of Def Leppard! that would be a drum tap for christ sake!!!....ok thank you sixth grade down syndrome kid who likes hitting shit....I am now a pizza delivery boy.
Laugh if you must, and of course stereotypes are there for a reason. one, I'm a musician and two, I smoke Pot. It was inevitable that i would work at Domino's really. But since working there I have gathered a few things and I will list them here.
1. Do not allow your child to handle the exchange of food for money. Yes it's cute when little sarah comes up and hands me the money...but twenty bucks says that little fucker just pocketed the four dollar tip mommy gave her.
2. BASIC FUCKING RULE- if your high or planning on smoking, we know it. It's not hard to tell. Those red eyes. The WAY too excited greeting you gave me or the stems and seeds all over the table. We know. So cut us a break and either be generous or intelligent. Intellects suggests you give us struggling pizza guys a hit or two instead of a tip, OR! give us a tip AND a hit. For christ sake I just made your fuckin night by bringing you cinnastix and two Large pies with Bacon and Sausage.
3.Fuck. Your. Dog. You keep that fucker in the house. I just plain don't want to deal with the dog while I'm trying to get a tip out of you.
4. Speaking of tips. FUCKING GIVE ONE. We get paid less than minimum, use our own cars and drive our asses out to you to give you piping hot caloric satisfaction. If you don't want to be humane about it let me give you an economic reason. if people stop tipping, the companies will be forced to pay their employees minimum wage or higher and guess who gets that cost? The consumer!!! So give me that two fucking dollars so you don't have to give it to the big bad corporate fat cats.
5. Do not act as if your doing me a big fucking favor by giving me twenty dollars on a ninty dollar and twenty one cent tip. Your not Jesus for not wanting to deal with change. Your actually a lazy pretentious douche.
6. Finally, if you place an order BE FUCKING READY. That means turn on your porch light, make it easy for me to tell which house I'm going to at eleven thirty at night and TURN YOUR FUCKING MUSIC DOWN. I sat outside someones house for ten minutes looking at them through their window while pounding the door because this dude wanted to get his Enya on. Guess how he repaid me...no tip.
For the love of god, don't make me spit in your food.
thegodlyone has spoken