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going for it again.

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palms sweaty, heart racing, mind restless, muscles twitching, mouth dry, and an overwhelming feeling of CANT.  these lead to anxiety, and panic, and when i give into these it ends in self hatred, and depression. just the same old same old for me.

millinos upon millions of humans suffer from panic and anxiety dissorders world wide making it the most common mental affliction.  somehow i still feel so fucking alone with this shit. i try and try to explain this to my family and the few friend i have left, but with very very little success.  they try so hard to understand and help, and i am soooo thankful to have great a family. whenever i have to try to explain what it is like i tell people this...  imagine that everytime you left your house you would be struck by lightning 3 times.  you didn't know when, where, or if it would even happen at all.  you knew it most likely won't kill you, but it hurts like a mutha phucker everytime.  eventually you would not be able to think of anything but those bolts that may or may not come.  obviously the bolts are panic and the constant fear of the bolts is anxiety. 

i can barely work my 8 hours a week( i used to work 60 a week before it got bad).  i'm on year six of a 2 year degree.  i can barely muster the strength to sit and eat at a reataurant with my family.  i rarely leave my house anymore. the word suicide goes through my head more than the word CAN.  driving is probly the hardest thing for me no matter what traffic is like.  i now sit percuriosly on the edge of agoraphobia.  i've watched a majority of my friends disappear which i understand completely.  after years of trying and trying to fight back i've become beatin down and tired.  i'm sick of taking one step forward and 2 steps back, i'm sick of being so fucking disappointed in myself all the time( couldn't tell you the last time i felt proud), and i don't know how i will ever live a fullfilling normal life. 

after living in the shadows of anxiety, panic, and depression for years now i have countless stories of my fuck ups.  between losing my job, failing at school, neglecting family, losing friends, and missing out on life in general i have more self shame than i can even begin to explain. i think it's about time i make an appointment with a pyschiatrist.

i know i'm not the first to complain about their shitty life on these blogs, so thank you for reading.

deadsaid Uploaded 08/06/2010
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