Carve the Fucking Turkey!
What is it that you are so afraid of anyways? It's no news to anyone that the news is a constant battering ram of fear mongering. If you want to be terrorfied there is non ending coverage that can make you scared shitless. Juvenile heart attacks could it be your child? Is someone masturbating in your sandwich at the local diner? You might not think so but this horror movie graphic might change your mind.
Can you get pig flu from pork chops? No! The phone calls are coming from inside the house!!! Shots are fired. 2-7-7 Shots are fired. YOU MUST GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Wheres your teen right now? Probably getting the shit kicked out of him.
People tend to blame the news as though it's their fault for spreading all this fear as though there is no market for it. You can't blame the news for making you afraid anymore than you can horror movies or haunted houses, that's what people are buying into. And the reason people are buying fear so easily and stock piling it, is because you'd much rather believe all that bullshit, than immigrants are taking your jobs, pedophiles are trying to fuck your kids and terrorists are trying to blow up you Ford Focus in particular. That's far more palatable for people to buy then to accept the reality, which is that probably, like statistic high Vegas odds the probability that anything of any significance will happen to you in your entire boring life.
You're not going to win the lottery, your not going to get caught in gang violence or school shootings, you're not going to get date raped. I know you put a napkin over your drink so no one slips something in there while your out having a cigarette and fucks you latter. It wasn't going to happen anyways.
Nothing is going to happen to you. You'll fall in love, he'll break your heart, latter on in life you'll settle for less. There not a real looker, not so high on the personality scale, but their stable. You can make a family with them and you can push out rotten kids and you'll get some awful job and give up on your dreams and sit in a cubicle.
Maybe in your fifties, you'll find some lump in the back of your neck that they have to cut out. Your daughter flies home from college in the Dakotas to be there by your side. By then they find out it's benign, an out patient procedure. You'll still bring it up every Christmas like it was some near death experience
"Before you carve the turkey Mary, I just want to say after my little scare with the neck thing, it made me reevaluate my entire life and now I realize how much my family means to me and just to have you all here and I get choked up every time I talk about this."
Nothing happened to you, stop milking it, nothing happened to you in your whole boring life. So shut up, flip on the news and carve the fucking turkey.