A Love Story
I managed to make it through the day without killing anybody. Well, nobody that will be missed that much anyway. I found Nova999 and pulled his scrawny little ass into my basement where I went all PULP FICTION on him with two hard pipe hittin' brothers with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch. Then I turned on the radio and sicked the RESERVOIR DOGS on him. He grabbed his TRANSFORMERS backpack and managed to get away and hide in a local HOSTEL. One phone call and one Beagle tattoo later and his ass was mine again. I gave him the eyeball test from BLADE RUNNER only to learn he's not human. He escaped again into the body of an AVATAR. That pleased me, I caught him and committed all of the aforementioned atrocities to him again, only to download his consciousness back to his now healed human body and lather..rinse..repeat. When I was done I ravaged him with my GOLDMEMBER and dumped his mutilated corpse into a SHALLOW GRAVE. His body arose 28 DAYS LATER so I called THE TERMINATOR to track him down for me. Arnie brought him to me and I enrolled him in a local FIGHT CLUB, hell let everyone kick his ass! "Why are you doing this to me?", he screamed. "Because I'm a HELLRAISER", I said. This time I had to make sure he would stay down for good so I used a giant SAW to cut him into 1,2,3,4,5,6 pieces and probably a 7th next summer. I shipped his body parts overseas on the TITANIC, steerage of course. To my surprise, 28 WEEKS LATER, his now sea soaked and barnacle ridden ass showed up in THE FOG near the lighthouse. I gathered a PLATOON of buddies and when we were done there was nothing left but a gelatinous BLOB. I commenced my LONG VOYAGE HOME and rested. 9 1/2 WEEKS later Nova's GHOST appeared begging to be put out of his MISERY. I had no choice but to call my buddies the GHOSTBUSTERS, Bill Murray owed me one because I swore I wouldn't tell a soul what happened in the CADDYSHACK that day. They used their super cool ray guns and Nova was no more. After all that I needed a VACATION, NATIONAL LAMPOON style, so I got on an AIRPLANE and spent the next several weeks with two crazy chicks named THELMA & LOUISE.
I feel much better now.