"Holy shit" the Doctor said
We were young, in our mid-twenties maybe. I had been working for a large well known company in the Seattle area for about three years. I was slowly climbing the ladder. Work wanted more from me on a daily basis and I could hardly say no because they were always willing to compensate me more than fairly. I was doing well. I was making good money and my wife was proud of me.
On my way out one day I grabbed all the paperwork in my in-box hoping to get a head start on tomorrow. We were having dinner when I came across a sheet of paper that only the company general manager used. This scared the crap out of me. "I can't read this, here, you read it." I cringed as my wife read the paper to me out loud. My fear of being laid off was soon replaced with a new fear: The fear of being told you have to do something you've never done before.
"They want you to travel to two other plants in California and train people to operate new machinery. You will be gone for the entire month of August." The thought of putting another bite in my mouth made me sick, dinner was now over. "When do I leave?" As I was thinking,(please say I have time to prepare for this) she said "tomorrow afternoon". The sex that night was incredible!
My wife beamed with pride as she waved goodbye to me at the airport. I spent the next thirty-two days in record breaking heat trying to teach four guys that didn't speak english how to operate eight million dollar pieces of machinery. My own personal version of hell. I wanted nothing more than to come home and spend an invigorating sex filled weekend with my wife. It didn't quite turn out that way.
I waited in front of the airport looking for our black minivan. Not seeing it I turned to have a seat by the entryway. I was approached by a man in a limo driver's hat. "Mr. Deunan, will you please come with me?" As I approached the long white limo I thought (He must have the wrong guy.) When I peered into the back seat what I had been longing for, even fantasizing about smacked me in the face. My beautiful wife sat there in a slinky, tight black dress, black fishnet stockings and black high heels. Oh yeah, this weekend's gonna fucking rock!
The driver dropped us in front of a very ritzy looking hotel that I never even knew existed. (Holy crap, how much is this costing me?) One look at her in that black dress made the thought of money completely irrelevant. The room itself was incredible. Kingsize bed, bar, double shower, kitchen and to top it off....a hot tub IN THE ROOM!
We had one child already and didn't want another anytime soon. The thought of having to wear condoms all weekend (yes, she rented the room for all three days) was somewhat depressing. My wife, knowing me as well as she did, thought the same way. We were sitting in the hot tub drinking champagne when the condom issue came up. "Don't worry, I planned ahead and picked up two bottles of spermicide." Awesome, let the freakiness begin!
After MUCH foreplay it was time to get down to business...ten minutes into it I noticed that this 'stuff' warms up quite a bit. Funny, the bottle didn't say anything about that. Anywhoo..back to business. Five more minutes into it and something wasn't quite right. "Ummm...this shit hurts hon...A LOT!!!" Within two minutes I'm in the shower praying to whoever may be listening to "JUST MAKE THE PAIN STOP". My wife takes a good look at my manhood and says..."Oh my God hon, are you ok?" ....."Does it look like I'm ok? I'm not fucking ok!!!"
We arrive at the hospital ten minutes later. The Doctor takes a look and says "Holy shit man, what did you do?" After a blood test and a couple of shots I'm told that I had a SEVERE allergic reaction to the spermicide. "No shit, really?"
Our weekend was ruined.