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When is it not worth it?


Today is last day home before I leave for work in Toronto.  

This morning I finished off what was left of the packing I had to do, and am now on my way to finishing the second bottle of wine I bought for myself for new years.

I am not looking forward to what this winter has in store for me.  I'll be the only chick staying on a cargo ship during the weeks, with a bunch of lonely men.  I'll be living out of a duffel bag, and a drive through window.   Why?  Because to prove myself as a potentially valuable employee to this company, my flexibility is essential.    They don't need me as a welder this year, they've hired a few highly experienced welders instead.... if there was a demand for more people, I would be welding and making an additional $15 an hour, which would make the whole experience that much more worth it.  But I'm not. 

Instead I'll be working as tank watch again, watching and assisting the higher paid workers who constantly remind me about how they "did tank watch for a day, and couldn't stand it" , and the inquiries like "I thought you passed ur welding test - why aren't you welding?".   So I'll have lots of time to think about how much I'll miss being home with Rob and my kitties, and whether or not it'll be worth it.

I need work... there's no question about that.   And if I didn't appreciate the opportunity of employment, I wouldn't be going.  But the thing is... I need work so me and my boyfriend can have a better life together.   All of my wage from this winter will be going towards buying a vehicle.  We want a vehicle so we can do more together, and have a reliable way to get to work where ever that may be.   We want to start the rest of our lives together by saving for that cottage up north.   Might sound silly to some, but me and my bf are the definition of inseparable.   We do everything together, and are each others best and only real friends.  We even worked together for the first part of our relationship.   We're essentially like stationary beings in a fast pace world.  All we really have is each other. 

Staying on the boats is going to turn all of that upside-down.   Tomorrow will be the first 24 hours I've gone without seeing my bf since we started working together - nearly 3 years ago.
I'll be going from someone who rarely leaves the house, to someone who is only home on the weekends.   It's extremely conflicting.  Every hour I've ever worked since I started dating Rob was to make our lives together less stressful, and more enjoyable.  Key word - together.  If we aren't together - what am I working for?   Any money spent of what I make this year will either go towards the apartment I won't be living in, or on shit I need only because I'm working away from home. 

We have no debt, children, or heavy responsibility that needs tending to.  It's not like I'm taking this job so I can keep my house, or feed my kids.... I have neither.   All I have is my boyfriend and the life I live at home...  it's hard to see the benefits behind giving up both.   If I were welding, I would make more money, and gain valuable experience for the future.   But I'll be performing the utmost entry level tasks - the very worst job you can get, at the worst job location they have to offer.  That also goes along side the sacrifice of other simple pleasures of working close to home... being able to go home to unwind, smoking weed openly in the privacy of my own home, listening to my taste of music, eating home cooked meals, walking around naked  (im naked right now) , sex, the internet, being woken up by my rambunctious new kitten.


Then there's the issues of living with the other workers.  Now, I work for my dad... he will be there too.  Which isn't good.  At 21 my dad still reminds me to look both ways when crossing the street... I know he's only looking out for me, but I like to think I can handle myself.  I don't live with my parents for a reason lol.   Also, not everyone respects or likes my dad... moral is pretty high towards him given he's a supervisor - but he's still a supervisor.   To my co-workers, I will always be "Bruce's kid" ... even now, people I've never met before in my life know things about me that I forgot.  There's also other guys who are temporary, who don't know my dad, and haven't known of me for years... and they'll be lonely I'm sure.   But I shouldn't think about it... it's not very likely to happen.  I have more sure-things to worry about.


So after this blog you can expect not to hear too much from me... take that whatever way you'd like.   Might be around on the weekends, but not for very long... you can think whatever you want about that too...




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