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5 Reasons Why the Biblical Cain Was Awesome

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1. Cain Works Around God's Curse

Before Cain was even born, God curses the ground on account of Adam eating from the Tree of Knowledge. In Genesis 3:17b-19 we read:

"Cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life; thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field; in the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it was thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return."

Cain didn't give a fuck. He decides he's going to test God's claims and till the ground anyway. (Gen 4:2) Over time, it works out for him. He then defiantly shows up at God's front door with a basket full of fruits and veggies, tacitly saying, "Your curse didn't amount to shit." (Gen 4:3)

God doesn't like this, and pretty much asks, "Why can't you be more like your brother?" (Gen 4:6,7) Apparently, Abel's religion of feeling guilty, hating himself, and taking it out on defenseless animals is superior to making the most of what you're given as far as God is concerned. (Gen 4:4)

Cain pretty much said, "Fuck that!" Then he had a conversation with Abel. We don't really know what they talked about, but apparently it pissed Cain off enough to turn his brother into organic fertilizer. (Gen 4:8)

2. Cain Convinces God that His Punishment is Too Much

After that, God shows up asking about Abel like he didn't know. Cain thought this was stupid, so he, in turn, acted like he didn't know. (Gen 4:9,10) Then God tells Cain he is cursed from the land in which his brother's body is now rotting. (Gen 4:11) Which pretty much means he can't benefit from the organic fertilizer he just made. God then snaps and apparently forgot that he cursed the ground already, because he goes and does it again. (Gen 4:12)

Cain argues, and says it's too fucking much (Gen 4:13) and goes on to cite reasons as to why it's unrealistic. (Gen 4:14) And guess what? God all but caves in.

Then...

3. God Agrees to be Cain's Personal Avenger

Genesis 3:15 reads:

"And the Lord said unto him, Therefore whoseover slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold. And the LORD set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him."

I still can't figure out what Cain's punishment was exactly, except maybe the fact that he had to leave home. But, Abraham (the douche who brought us pop monotheism in all its forms) had to do that too, and it wasn't the result of a punishment.

Maybe it was just the tattoo? But, God did say that the land would no longer yeild forth its strength. (Gen 4:12) That was, however, supposed to already be the case (Gen 3:17-19), and besides, this is what happens next...

4. Cain Builds the First City (Gen 4:17)

What's stronger than a city when no one else has one? Nothing. That's what. It's stronger than any fruits or veggies he tilled from the ground, that's for damn sure. Cain illustrates, yet again, that God can't curse worth shit.

Cain 2 God 0

5. His Offspring Invent Modern Civilization

His great, great, great grandson, Lamech, decides he's worthy of more than one woman and invents polygamy. (Gen 4:19) His wife, Adah, gave birth to Jabal and Jubal. Jabal was in innovator in animal husbandry and portable living spaces. (Gen 4:20) Jubal invented music. (Gen 4:21) Lamech's other wife, Zillah, gave birth to Tubalcain who pretty much invented metal forging technology. (Gen 4:22)


As you can see, Cain was a badass who built a badass legacy for himself.
...And you were taught that Abel was the righteous one. Give me a fuckin' break.
Because sparks158 cares... 2011 by augusthovel
augusthovel Uploaded 03/12/2011
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