Insomnia is a bitch
I thought I had this insomnia thing kicked. I had been sleeping pretty fucking well. I had my depression mostly turned into something else that I find easier to manage. I didn't take any Trazadone last night. I have to go to work this morning and I didn't want to be fuzzy headed when I did it.
I'm still off until the 4th. I just have to go in to drop my daughter off at school, meet with the substitute to make sure everything is going well, and to deliver my last two days of lesson planning. It's still an hour drive out there.
I'm proud of myself that I seem to be, more or less, all the way through the emotional steps of divorce to Acceptance. I have divorced friends that assure me I'll be sliding up and down that emotional ladder for some time. For example, I really haven't gotten past my Blaming the Spouse phase. I'm also finding that the Depression and Anger stages don't just click off like a light switch when you're done with them either.
I've decided that my wife's bizarre behavior makes her unfit to be primary caregiver to my children. I've decided that I'm not going to be an "every other weekend" father. She's going to be the one who gets the kids every other weekend.
My daughter will want to stay with me. It's likely that the courts will not want to separate siblings. My wife's behavior and lack of care of my children for the last few months will work in my favor. The fact that it's obvious that she's putting her own feelings (or lack of them) ahead of my children's welfare and lacks any evidence that she's tried to repair the marriage will work in my favor. I think I've got a good shot at this.
There's a small chance I can get a loan modification to my home. With alimony and child support, there's a chance I might not even lose the house. From what I'm reading, I've got an excellent chance to get alimony.
My wife and I can't afford to get lawyers. My divorced Texas buddy said it cost about $5,000 down for the lawyer to take his case. I'd have to hit 401k accounts and all sort of financially unhealthy shit to make that happen. From what I'm reading, if I want my kids and if I'm going to get alimony we're going to have to do this with lawyers.
This is going to be fucked up. I guess we're both going to eat a lot of debt to carry out this process. Then it's likely we're going to destroy our credit by losing the house.
You've got to do what you've got to do though.
I absolutely DON'T want to reconcile with my spouse, at this point. I want to get this toxic, bizarre bitch out of my life and try to spend the second half of my life productively.
I've told my daughter that I'd do anything to keep her family from falling apart. Have I done that? Can I finally give up? What the fuck would I do if my spouse, after finding out she might not get the kids and might have to pay me alimony, wants to try to work things out?
I guess I'd tell her to fuck off.
I'm going to try to sponge money off of my father to put a lawyer on retainer. I'm going to cash out $5,000 from my 401k to pay him back.