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Last open letter to my wife

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She was just as douchy as I was worried about.  I tried to talk to her, but she was just an asshole.  She's upstairs right now, but I wrote a long email to her anyway to get shit off of my chest.  This is kind of a long one, but I like the content.

 

Sorry I'm not making it as easy as you'd like to dissolve our family.  I feel it's my duty to do what I can to keep it together regardless of my personal feelings.

 

I will say that it's offensive when you imply that I was a bad parent to your children or that I hate your son.

 

If parenting were a contest, there's no way you're kicking my ass.  I've tried to refrain from calling you a bad parent.  I've only fallen down once when I accused you for being a bad parent because you didn't give a credible attempt to counselling.  I apologize for that.  But it's completely out of line for you to accuse me of bad parenting in comparison to your efforts.  Ask (daughter) who she thinks has done a better job parenting.  I dare you.  (Low blow, I know, but I can't tolerate you being out of line in your criticism of my parenting).

 

The only way you can possibly justify that your actions are best for our children is that you assume what's best for you is best for them.  You flat out said you're not interested in what studies have to say about parents trying to stay together for the children.  It really is about you and what you want.

 

Look, I don't want to be married to you either.  Your timing and handling of the entire situation is reprehensible to me.  The fact that you can put on your sexy clothes and go out on the weekends when the rest of your family is literally in hell says it all.

 

More power to you.  I wish I could look out for number one too.  I just feel compelled to try to do what I think is best for my kids too. 

 

I've known you for more than twenty years.  This is not the kind of person you are.  I understand that your rapid evolution into the person you are now has a lot of factors involved.  I just wish you'd stop trying to blame me for everything.  It's not fair that you lambaste me for things that were never discussed with me.  You never once said, "Tom, I wish you didn't smoke pot.  I think it's harming our marriage."  Now you accuse me of smoking pot and taking naps.  That is not indicative of my behavior and I think it's a bizarre statement coming from the queen of sleeping.

 

I've alway been there for you, wife's name.  I've always thought I was being a good husband.  The feedback you gave me was that you were lucky to have me and that you loved me very much.  That you can suddenly "wake up" and take back all of those affirmations is not fair, nor is it even human.

 

You have no idea what that's done to me mentally, emotionally, and physically.  To lead me on to counselling and then not make any effort at all was particularly cruel as well.  To make our daughter care for me after my surgery despite your promise to help was the coup de grace for me.

 

I just wish you'd admit what it is that made you turn a 180 so quickly and so cruelly.  You prefer to continue to try to damage me by being critical of my parenting and what kind of husband I was instead of admitting how much your desire for a new lifestyle (new thing) is responsible for the situation.

 

Remember, this break up started with you telling me that you wanted to have sex with other people as one of the primary reasons.  You even gave me that damn book you printed out at work to explain it.

 

Me getting mad about not finding the eBook is bullshit.  Sometimes people lose their tempers.  They might even feel bad about it and go to anger management.  In most marriages, it doesn't lead to divorce.

 

I also need to talk about your rock-star lawyer.  We talked about trying to not blow our kid's college money on futile legal battles.  Then you got what had to be the most expensive lawyer on Earth to do your consult.  I've talked to 6 lawyers.  I'm out of pocket $100.  I paid for that with money from my grandmother and selling my paraphenalia.  You talked to somebody who gave you a different story from all 6 of the people I talked to for $300.

 

Do I have to go out and get the second most expensive lawyer in Vegas and battle it out with you?  We can't fucking afford that. 

 

Although I don't know if I can stop harping on trying to do right by the kids by compromising our own happiness, I'm still ready to move forward with the divorce.  I'd like to talk about why you don't want son's name in a Boulder City school, even though by any measure they're among the best schools in Clark County.  I also want to talk about your plan to put them in day care or have mother-in-law's name watch them when it's your week to care for them.

 

So far, I feel you've only given lip service about wanting what's best for the kids.  I want what's best for them.  I need to know what your plans are.  If I can use my 401k money for a down payment on a home instead of a legal battle, there are several places I could afford in Henderson.  Since I'm going to have the kids more often than you due to being off when they are, I don't understand your objection to them going to school in the south.

 

If we're each getting our own lawyer and battling, I need to know.  If we're going to share a lawyer and allow an impartial state mediator decide what's fair, I need to know that too.  I don't want to take you for every penny out of a sense of revenge.  I want what's fair in this state so I can care for my kids as well as I can.  In part, I chose this shitty profession due to your assertation that between the two of us, we'd have enough money to get by and I should choose a job that would make me happy.  If I'm entitled to child support, I'm going to take it.  If I'm entitled to alimony, I'm going to take it. 

 

Remember, if we fight over custody, somebody is going to ask daughter's name where she'd prefer to live.  That doesn't mean that I'll get primary custody of the kids (I won't).  But it figures into the equation.  I DON'T want to do that.  I DON'T want a fucking social worker talking to my daughter about mommy and daddy.  I can live with joint custody (I have to).  daughter's name will continue to go to Garrett where she's being more successful and getting the attention she needs.  I would like son's name to go there too.  I would like him to go to MP King elementary school too where he can be picked up and dropped off without day care or safe key.

 

Sorry this is so long.  I had a lot to get off of my chest. 

 

I'd still appreciate that "letter you've been composing in your head."  It seems that with as much as we've shared, you'd have a speck of concern about my mental and physical health.  Remember, from my point of view, the person I loved more than anybody I'd ever known, the love of my life, suddenly and without preamble brutally rejected me.  What's worse, is once I was informed of the rejection, I was informed that there was nothing I could do to change the fact and you were not willing to make an effort towards reconciliation.  Imagine if our positions were reversed.  Try to think about somebody's feelings other than your own.

tomlet Uploaded 04/22/2011
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